salon's sexiest man living 2007

Who: Tony Leung
Age: 45
Know him as: Actor

Martin Scorcese's Oscar-winning "The Departed," a remake/rip-off of the nail-biting 2002 Hong Kong thriller "Infernal Affairs," turned off fans of the original for one unavoidable reason -- and it wasn't Jack Nicholson's scenery-chewing. It was the absence of the smoldering Tony Leung in the role of the undercover cop lost in a convoluted game of spy vs. spy. As good as Leo DiCaprio's Boston honk and flinty rage are in the remake, he just can't hold a candle to Leung.

But then, of course he can't. Leung is a professional smolderer; the guy's a virtual human Duraflame. Throughout the past two decades, in "Hard-Boiled" (1992), "Chungking Express" (1994), "Happy Together" (1997), "In the Mood for Love" (2000), "Hero" (2002) and "2046" (2004), he's left only glowing embers in his wake. In this year's "Lust, Caution," he added a sadistic streak we'd never seen from him before that caused us to recoil -- and still come back for more.

How, exactly, does he do it? We think it's the way he will occasionally hold our gaze -- a beat or two too long, with such haunted, hungry eyes we feel slightly bruised afterward, like we've had an actual physical interaction. We sure don't get that from Tom Cruise's maniacal, trademarked grin.

Observers are fond of referring to Leung as "Asia's answer to Clark Gable." But in film's new world order, Leung ranks as a much bigger global star than most of the pretty boys in Hollywood's (or People's) stable these days. And the fact that his roles are being recast for more middling American tastes doesn't just make him the poorer for it -- we're the poorer for it, too.

romantic fatalism

from what i've encountered in life, i've decided that i am fated to be single forever. and cursed to be in a country where couples wear matching outfits, old couples hold hands, and there are less couples than singles. guys hold the stuffed animals they've bought for their girlfriends, and they text each other constantly. it's like everyone is in a fairy tale korean drama, while the foreigner is left feeling dejected. i think the problem i've been having with even making friends is...when koreans approach me i don't understand them and white people will never approach me because they think i'm korean. i like it in seoul because many people speak english, however i wouldn't be able to live there because there are far too many people. the subway system feels like stuffed oven. you have to push your way in and push your way out. i'm thinking about giving taiwan a try next year, i think i might enjoy it more over there because i can actually speak the language. just a thought though. enough self pity...i've accepted my fate.

P.S. i watched "while you were sleeping" again...33rd time now? still a hopeless romantic at heart. i believe in love for others....just not for myself.

"You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful."
-Life is Beautiful (Sixx A.M.)

another year of resolutions that won't be met?

i'll be away from the internet for at least a week so i wanted to write down my resolutions now.

new year's resolutions:

1) be an awesome teacher
2) get the whole django solo down
3) practice a lot of guitar
4) make new friends
5) learn korean
6) figure out what i want to do after i finish my year at the hagwon
7) get the students to love me
8) experience life like i've never done before
9) do something bold
10) try something new
11) write a chapter...

je t'aime

"one day i'll be buried too and maybe no one will visit me. but i won't care, i'll be dead. but i'm not a sad person. au contraire. i am a happy person with many friends. it's just that sometimes i wish i had someone to share things with. for example, when i saw all of Paris from a skyscraper, i wanted to say to someone, "isn't that beautiful?" but there was nobody there. i thought about my ex-boyfriend dave, if he would have enjoyed this trip, but then i felt a little stupid because we have not spoken for 11 years and now he's married with three children.

then i found a lovely park. i sat down in the park and ate a sandwich that i'd bought. it tasted very good.

Then something happened, something difficult to describe. Sitting there, alone in a foreign country, far from my job and everyone i know, a feeling came over me. It was like remembering something i'd never known before or have always been waiting for, but i didn't know what. Maybe it was something i'd forgotten or something i've been missing all my life. All i can say is that i felt at the same time, joy and sadness. But not too much sadness because i felt alive. Yes, alive."

-Carol the American tourist (Paris Je T'aime)

this feels like it's telling my life story. minus the married ex-boyfriend named dave but it's the same concept. korea is gonna be like my paris...and hopefully i will fall in love with it, as much as this lady has.

Return of the Mystery Fingers: Minor Swing Solo

Fucking awesome right? too bad it's not me playing...*sigh* so jealous!

smile like you mean it...

so it's all boiled down to these last few days...my vivid imagination can't even begin to picture what life is going to be like in korea. i have a lack of words to describe that ill feeling i have in my stomach. it's exciting, it's amazing, i'm stoked but at the same time i can't help but feel like i might just need to hang myself over a toilet for awhile.

this is probably one of the biggest steps i've ever taken in my life and i don't even know what to expect. at some point i just wanted to travel and see the world, now i get to live in another part of the world far far from all the comforts of los angeles. my last few weeks in the states has been exciting and i've gotten to hang out with a lot of my friends. part of me wants to cry, other parts of me want to scream, and most of me just can't wait to get out of here. but as i packed up my things i could feel the room begin to feel lonely. i know that sounds weird, but it's like that same feeling i got when i moved out of the apartment. the feeling that churns my stomach when you realize life is never going to be the same again.

i am not just a text away, my friends aren't just down the street when i get bored, i won't speak their language, i can't go out and buy food when i'm hungry, or cook instant dumplings when there really isn't anything to eat. i have to make myself into a teacher, i have to make people interested in the things i have to say, i have to be an authority figure, and i have to earn respect from a whole bunch of new people. but i do get to make new friends, eat new foods, hear new stories, gain more experiences, and see the world for everything it really has to offer. in many ways i feel very adult and in other ways i feel like a child that got seperated from their parents at the supermarket. i really don't know how to feel anymore...just that i'll miss everyone and everything here. remember to write me and i'll have a new blog up for korea. that'll have my address so you can send me stuff :)

http://beyondtheneonlights.blogspot.com

Toodles,
Christine

Minor Swing Solo pt. 1

falling in love...in a coffee shop

I think that possibly maybe I'm fallin' for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the path that your eyes wander down,
I wanna come too.
I think that possibly maybe I'm fallin' for you.

No one understands me quite like you do,
Through all of the shadowy corners of me.

I never knew just what it was
about this ol' coffee shop I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was
about this 'ol coffee shop I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

I think that possibly maybe I'm fallin' for you.
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine,
now I'm shinin' too!
Because, oh because, I've fallen quite hard over you.

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know.
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone

I never knew just what it was
about this ol' coffee shop I love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.
I never knew just what it was
about this ol' coffee shop i love so much.
All of the while, I never knew.

All of the while, all of the while, it was you.

when one door closes another one opens...

so today was my last day at work. the waitress got me a cake! it was awesome! they're made up of little cupcakes. buuuttt i managed to drop all of it...heh seems like the dumbass me thing to do right? lol well yah and then one of the girls got me flowers and balloons. it was sweet :) i felt special heh...i said bye to everyone today and i realized that another phase of my life has ended. they got me a card and everyone signed it! it's a great memoribilia for my 3 months there. here are some picture from today. (there is one thing that girls are good at...remembering to do something special) tips were really good this weekend and i very much enjoyed working my last two days and coming home with $100+. all in all...it was a great experience and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. now i'm just waiting for the next phase to start...

the things we lost in the fire...

so one of my friend's houses burned down in the recent san diego fires. we actually went down to san diego and hung out with him today. it was another weekend of sarcasm, excess food, and an unexplained attraction i still don't understand. so the rest of the neighborhood was fine except for the 2 houses that burned down in that community. the fire came into their backyard at 4am, all they could get out was a car and a basket of clothes. it was surreal, the wind blew silently picking up the debris littering the floor that used to be his house. we looked that all the things that were still there trying to identify each object as if knowing would make us feel like we could understand the feeling of losing everything you ever owned. the van, the fridge, the camera with it's lens still intact, the washer and dryer barely holding up it's shape. nothing was salvageable...and when he talked about his parents, their screaming and their tears as they sped away from their house leaving their memories behind to burn in the fire. i can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to wake up in the middle of the night and find my backyard on fire. what would i bring? what would i run for?

PS: Did you know that even though your house burns down you still have to pay your home Owner's Association fee? Fucked UP!

consumer madness: black friday sales

"don't you get it? i want to go to sleeeeeeeep" - alan
getting ready for a crazy night out in the cold.
talking over our lists and dividing the work to maximize efficiency and cut the time we actually have to spend fighting over things, pushing with people, and standing in line.
camping outside best buy thursday 11/22/07.
black friday started early this year...we set up our tent on wednesday night. it was a very eventful time although most of thanksgiving was spent inside a tent, it was still fun to hang out with my friends. it was cold so i was hiding under the blanket. some guy even threatened to beat alan up calling him a little punk and stuff. but of course we would have gotten his back...kick that stupid white nazi's ass. i hate white people that think they can regulate everyone. i ended up getting a sony vaio VGN-NR110E/S. upgraded the ram to 2.5 GB. it runs a little better now. and i got a sony cybershot.

new year...new lists

it's thanksgiving again...so i guess i should say thanksgiving. another year is passing swiftly by, i'm just reflecting on the things i am thankful for. i'm still contemplating this...i'll update this as soon as i figure it out.

chasing the light: visions of eternity

sometimes i lay in bed listening to the wind blow through the chimes hanging outside the window and think of all the things we don't really get to appreciate on a day to day basis. the gentle ocean breeze against your face as you walk along the beach, sand between your toes, scent of sea salt in your nose, and the feeling that there is so much more to life than our 9-5 jobs. curling up in bed reading a great book, laying on the grass at the top of the hill in order to watch the stars sparkle in the sky. (not that you can actually enjoy this in LA but...not the point) i think in our fast paced world, we don't really take any time to enjoy ourselves and chase after our dreams. we're always worried about what we have to do next. but generally we don't do it for ourselves, we do it because other people want us to, it looks more impressive on paper, it's the only way to make a lot of money, etc... high school --> college --> graduate school --> career/marriage --> kids --> their education and so on...when do we ever stop? i mean just stop!!! take a break. do something fun!

"Whose to know if your soul will fade at all
The one you sold to fool the world
You lose your self-esteem along the way
Good god, you're coming up with reasons
Good god, you're dragging it out
Good god, it's the changing of the seasons..."

enjoy the company of friends, have some coffee and talk about anything without worrying about whether the other person is bored. currently i am at a point in my life where i know i have to go and do something big. i am tired of the monotony of every day life, and worrying about the life my parents want me to lead. i want to see the world, i want to take the time to appreciate everything. i hate filling my voids with expensive things i can't really afford, which is why i just want to leave everything and go.

"Fake it if your out of direction
Fake it if you don't belong
Fake it if you feel like affection
Whoa, your such a fucking hypocrite"

and when i come back, i want to finally chase the dream i gave up when i got into Berkeley...the idea that there could be something other than just routine, crunching numbers, science majors, medical school, pharmacy applications, LSATs, MCATs, PHDs, and focus on something i enjoy doing. music cures everything for me, it's something that helps me reflect, scream to, cry to, relate to, and feel like someone out there has felt the same thing before. sometimes there are just perfect lyrics that you find brings you out of the rut you never thought you could get up from and it feels great. i have a dream i want to chase and after korea i hope that i'll have figured out if it is really what i want from life or if i'm just a fucking hypocrite.

"You should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way
Good god, you're coming up with reasons
Good god, you're dragging it out
Good god, it's the changing of the seasons
It feels so great, so follow me down and just...fake it."
-Fake It (Seether)

my partner in crime: mi hermana aka "the weirdo"

i wanna be a guitar hero...

" You show us everything you've got
You keep on dancin' and the room gets hot
You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
You say you wanna go for a spin
The party's just begun, we'll let you in
You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
You keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin'
I wanna rock and roll all nite and party every day"
-Rock n' Roll All Night (KISS)

a beautiful dream...

i got to go to a food tasting the other night aboard the Crystal in Newport Beach.

it was amazing...the scenery was beautiful even though all you could see were other boats docked along the ports. it gave you an inclination to dream of what it would be like if the party were to set sail. my cousin is having her wedding on one of these yachts and i'm sad i can't be there. the 2nd floor is a lounge with a dance floor and a bar.

it got me to thinking about having a masquerade on board when i come back from korea. it would be a live band/dj and cash bar. entrance fee of probably $20 and all you can eat dinner/appetizer on silver platters.

it will be elegant, it will be classy, and then of course the party would really start and it will be wild and exciting as we set sail watching the sun drop slowly below the horizon giving the sky a light pink color.

dreaming keeps the nightmares, stress, and negative feelings from welling up so i'm always thinking up new ways to distract myself. i think this...would be the perfect end to my trip to the other side of the world."Come on, come out
The weather is warm
Watching the sky
Watching a painting coming to life"
-Come On, Come Out (A Fine Frenzy)

when all is said and done

so i finally got my diploma today...it was kinda weird. i was like omg...my diploma! cause you know...people frame that stuff! anyway, i sent it off to korea.

update: they received the diploma...now i'm awaiting visa processing. wish me luck and say your goodbyes because a month is sooner than you think.

funny how one of the people i wanted to see the most before i leave won't actually even consider making time for me. weird how we always want what we can't have. but oh well life goes on, once i get there everything i know is forgotten again.

side note: been practicing guitar, alternate picking, scales, chord changes, etc...i'm going to get great in korea, start a band when i come back or even when i'm there, take recording school classes when i get back to the states and beat the man who called me his protege at his own game. i'm young and i have a lot of time to improve my skills, we'll get on youtube, send out demos, and eventually make our own album. but until then...metronome = 165 today for blues scales. picking speed and accuracy improving. fuck you! i'm gonna rock just you wait.

more than who we are

"Here’s to the time
The good and the bad
Here’s to the ones you never forget
Here’s to the year that we had"
-New Year's Resolutions (Graham Colton)

i think i live too much of my life living in the past. i like to reminisce a lot about things from chapters of my life that ended long ago. i don't know why i still hang onto memories and feelings as if everything were still the same as before, like time stopped for me to grow up and when i went back i thought it was still supposed to be just the way i left it but of course it's not. people have become different, friends grow apart, break ups occur and we learn our lessons and it helps us shape who we are. i should be closing the book on my life in the music industry and start thinking about the journey i'm about to embark on that will start an entire new section of my life. high school is over, college is over, life as we used to know it...is over.

i'll be in a new country where i am the "fob" and the foreigner that people talk crap about and stare at. i'll be a teacher to many many students, i'll be a friend keeping in touch and sending gifts from afar, i'll be growing in ways that i never imagined possible. but in order to start that, i have to let go of the past.

"Now yesterday is too far away
It’s the end of the road
Let it go"
-Let it Go (Graham Colton)

the good ol' days when every weekend was spent in hollywood venues listening to am radio or trapt play live, when dinner at shakey's with rivers and holding his cell phone was the highlight of my year, when flying out to virginia for a concert and greyhounding it to the next one was actually the stupidest thing i've done to date, when driving to sherman oaks to get guitar lessons was all i could look forward to, when falling in love didn't break your heart, when all your dreams and aspirations seemed possible because i was at a naive young age, when a mere thank you line in a cd made me smile for days....sooo many things from the past still flood my head from time to time and many times i wonder if i'll ever be that excited again, if i'll fall in love again, if i'll see "him" again, if anyone would call me to ask if i got guitar hero yet, if anyone would bring me tea at work, if my heart would stop hurting, if i'll grow up and be successful...i need to stop that and grasp onto what i have now rather than reliving the past.

the next chapter: moving on...the road to bigger and better things

"And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away"
-Name (Goo Goo Dolls)

"And scars are souvenirs you never lose

The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are"

a long long time ago...

i am amused by the way i used to dress...oh high school days. i'm so glad they're over haha. but this was i don't remember when but this is me, Brian (weezer), and judy! from back in the day at the glasshouse! wow...it certainly has been a walk down memory lane this week.

Gibson Faded SG

the brooding stranger

i think i've always looked up to him, even though he is the person most likely to let me down as he has time and time again. however, now even after so many years i still look up to him and his continued struggle to find stardom. i envy his perseverance and talent. i've watched him battle through his drug/drinking issues and finally finish school at the la recording studio. now he's even on tv...i always check on him from time to time to see how he's doing. most of the time he's unresponsive but sometimes very rarely he'll update me on his life and i can be happy for him. for those of you who don't know who this is...it doesn't matter, (we'll leave names out of this) for those of you that do, you know how i've always put him on a pedestal even though he may not deserve it.
he's moody but brilliant, he's talented but flaky, he's amazing but disappointing. i don't know how it will go this time, but i wish him good luck and i hope to see him again so i can see that stupid goofy grin or that face he makes when he gets really into playing. my guitar hero...my one sided friend, my fallen idol.

shot in the hills of hollywood

when a kiss isn't just a kiss

"that moment, when you kiss someone and

everything around becomes hazy and the
only thing in focus is you and this person and
you realize that that person is the only person
that you're supposed to kiss for
the rest of your life, and for one moment you get
this amazing gift and you want to laugh
and you want to cry because you feel so lucky
that you found it and so scared that that
it will go away all at the same time."
-Josie Geller (Never Been Kissed)

currently i am 21, and in 3 months i will be 22. hopefully i'll be in korea by then, figuring out what i want to do with my life. i figure by distracting myself and throwing myself into a whole new country i could forget that nagging little voice in the back of my head. and that pain that ever so lightly tugs on my heart. i think sometimes i just need to feel some closeness, some connection with people even if it is for the briefest of moments. humans need to have contact with each other, we need intimacy even if it is with a stranger. so that is why i want to reach 30 individuals before i turn 30. (no i am not referring to sex, a kiss is so much more) not for their benefit, but for my own because i know that it is impossible for me to find that one person that makes the rest of the world fade away. i will give my kiss away freely, but i keep my heart locked up with the key buried away. this emptiness brings me much sadness because i can't feel the connection with these people. i am only using them for the physical comfort. sometimes i wonder if i will ever find that...and i am very jealous of those who already have. currently i am at 14. i'm almost 50% there and although it seems amusing to tell others the story, it still hurts a little that i have not found the one that will make me stop the need to have to reach 30.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.
The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy.

the "heroic" men

learn to be lonely

" Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion"

blood boils and it feels like the hairs on the back of your neck just start to stand. it doesn't matter what we're doing, but somehow we manage to get into an going to choose a place outside of living in my house sometimes feels like the stage for some horribly scripted drama. everyone'sargument about it. i think i'mseoul for work because i really need to do some soul searching. i may even start compiling a book of short stories. i am still feeling as lost as ever, i started looking at some books on korean today and a fear crept in me. this always happens when the spontaneity goes away. i begin to look rationally at something and i hate that. i like doing what i want when i want to. i like the impulsive decisions i make and i like not knowing what there is to expect from life. it makes everything more exciting. work is beginning to become dull but the money is good so i'm not complaining. i just really can't see my life in 10 years from now. what should i be doing?

"Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own
Learn to be lonely

Life can be lived life can be loved alone"

i feel really lonely sometimes because although i have friends, i feel like we're all too busy to really get involved with each other's lives. we're just...going through the motions of social interaction and we're all too involved with ourselves to really care. i mean even my sister...i hardly see her, the last time i did she was mostly thinking about how to cater to her husband. that's another thing, why have all the people i know vanished because of their significant others? i guess when i get into my own relationship (if that will ever happen) i will disappear too. just because i want them to know how it feels when everything i do has to cater to my significant other rather than the person you are talking to or you are hanging out with. i think this move out to korea will be good for me. i think it's a good idea to get myself into a different culture so i don't have the comforts of the familiar. familiarity can be a very bad thing because slowly my caustic personality will destroy the friendships i try to hold on to so dearly.

my mom says it's because i can do things for myself, and because i am straightforward and sometimes caustic that i will never find a boyfriend. she seems to think that if i become some weak little girl (which i can never look like btw) that it'll be the only way for someone to ever be interested in me. i think the reason why i held on so long to my last tethered relationship was because he didn't care what i wore, how i looked, and if i'm caustic or straightforward. he didn't care that i liked video games or liked buying dvds instead of pretty clothes. but i guess that was all a lie too. that was the real reason he had meant the world to me, and i watched helplessly as it crumbled in front of me.

maybe when i come back from korea i'll feel like i finally figured enough of myself out to be able to look into the mirror and not want to punch the reflection staring dully back at me. it's always important to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to...too bad it's impossible for me to ever love myself.

"so you're gone and I'm haunted
I'll bet you are just fine
did I make it that easy to walk
right in and out of my life?

goodbye my almost lover
goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do"

fob pictures @ cue