when a kiss isn't just a kiss

"that moment, when you kiss someone and

everything around becomes hazy and the
only thing in focus is you and this person and
you realize that that person is the only person
that you're supposed to kiss for
the rest of your life, and for one moment you get
this amazing gift and you want to laugh
and you want to cry because you feel so lucky
that you found it and so scared that that
it will go away all at the same time."
-Josie Geller (Never Been Kissed)

currently i am 21, and in 3 months i will be 22. hopefully i'll be in korea by then, figuring out what i want to do with my life. i figure by distracting myself and throwing myself into a whole new country i could forget that nagging little voice in the back of my head. and that pain that ever so lightly tugs on my heart. i think sometimes i just need to feel some closeness, some connection with people even if it is for the briefest of moments. humans need to have contact with each other, we need intimacy even if it is with a stranger. so that is why i want to reach 30 individuals before i turn 30. (no i am not referring to sex, a kiss is so much more) not for their benefit, but for my own because i know that it is impossible for me to find that one person that makes the rest of the world fade away. i will give my kiss away freely, but i keep my heart locked up with the key buried away. this emptiness brings me much sadness because i can't feel the connection with these people. i am only using them for the physical comfort. sometimes i wonder if i will ever find that...and i am very jealous of those who already have. currently i am at 14. i'm almost 50% there and although it seems amusing to tell others the story, it still hurts a little that i have not found the one that will make me stop the need to have to reach 30.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree.
The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy.