love to hate...

or hate to love...

haven't you encountered those people in your life that you love to hate, every part of you wants to punch them when the thought of them enters your head but if you were to ever see them, you almost instantaneously change your mind. you hate yourself because you know it's the ones that you'll never get over. the ones you'll never be able to forget. those are the ones you hate to love. i can think of a few on the top of my list right now because of a dream i had last night that made me cringe when i woke up because i knew it would linger in my brain for days until something else replaces it.

i seriously have to stop partying on the weekends. one, i'm poor. two, i have work at 8am. three, my liver is going to be severely damaged. four, my lack of sleep is killing me. five, i have to finish my thesis and start my paper for soc 180. the nights are taking a toll on me. i'm so tired right now because i came home at 3. shoveled some food in my mouth and went to bed. now i'm at work regretting even going last night because seriously...it just starts to eat away at you piece by piece. i'd rather be in the music scene than the club scene i think because at least i can rock out and enjoy the music. it's about the music and not about the guys. the only thing that matters is that feeling of complete immersion, all your worries drowned by the sound of the pounding bass. it is probably good that i go back to la. i might have a police dispatcher job available. that would be cool. yesterday was fun though, screaming songs on karaoke revolution and hanging out with christal, christina, and anna. i just hope she's not mad at me. :-/ i really shouldn't have gone last night. i feel like death now.

bartenders are amazing...i don't think i'm going to be able to keep up.

" Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up...
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is wrong with me!

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares"
-Given Up (Linkin Park)

discover

so after 3 years of living in this town, i finally found the places i should have gone to years ago. i went to eat lunch at cafe gratitude for lunch today and i thought that the vegan pizza was amazing. to think that something healthy could actually taste good was a big shock to me. each bite was filled with the different tomatoes they layered on top. there was a whole array of flavor bombarding my taste buds and i found myself tasting my food for the first time in a long time. you know when you try new things and you let the flavor linger in your mouth? well yah that's what i did today, i let each bite cover my taste buds. the nutty pesto added to the tangy sweetness of the medley of cherry tomatoes. then after lunch we walked to the gourmet ghetto on north side and looked at everything they had to offer. although things were pricey, they looked far better than anything you can get on south side. the restaurants were filled with white people drinking wine and eating salads for lunch discussing politics with a nice pinot blanc. we also went to the farmers market where i sampled a variety of tomatoes each with their own flavor, color, size and shape. i bought some cherry tomatoes and tried an awesome white nectarine. families brought their kids, drank fresh apple cider, and it had a very nice community feeling to it.

i guess this is the side of me i hardly get to see because apparently everyone just thinks i'm a raving alcoholic bartender that spends all my weekends hungover. i really just enjoy watching the bartenders make their drinks, i like watching their techniques, and tasting how various bars mix their drinks. it is like research for me...most bartenders are alcoholics anyway. i think i have my wild party side, and a very homey farmer's market side too. i guess what i'm saying is i'm torn between the beauty that lies within the "organic" berkeley and the city life of hollywood.

maybe one day i can go to asia and try a bit of both with sakura viewing in japan. eating bento boxes under the tree with friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors. and then go to seoul, korea to party the nights away while i am still young. maybe one day i'll have cucumber scented bars of soap infused with shea butter waiting for me in my studio apartment.


i've been enjoying living by myself these last couple of weeks. i wash whatever dish i use right after i use it, i take out the trash, i keep the place the way i want it to be without anyone coming in to want it their way. "it's too cold, it's too hot, you ate my food, you left the water running..." etc... bullshit that you have to deal with when you have to live with others. i love just laying in bed hidden under my covers, curled up with a movie playing on my laptop or a nice book to read. sometimes, if it's too loud, you really should turn it down. slow down and enjoy life for whatever it has to offer. like fresh cherry tomatoes.

an unconventional crush

have you ever had a crush on someone that you know you could probably never date? regardless of whether or not they liked you, you just couldn't date them. you'd like to be really good friends with them though because you are unfortunately attracted to them and their magnetic personality. when you're not around them, nothing happens, when you are around them it's like you only really want to talk to them. they fade to the back of your memory until you talk to them again and the spark reignites whatever feelings you had for them before. it's a feeling that you can't explain but distresses you. you could never imagine yourself being intimate with this person but somehow there is attraction there. as much as you try to fight it, you can't really seem to shake the feeling so eventually you give in. after a few times of distress, it starts to bother you. am i really attracted to this person? you want to confirm it by talking to them again, but you can't...because although you are friends you hardly ever see them. this is an unconventional crush. you want others to offer ideas or solutions but all they can say is uhh...due to the utter shock of who it is. i guess the feeling will fade until i see them again...and at that point, whatever will be will be.

"just because i don't say anything
doesn't mean i don't like you.
I open my mouth and I try and i try
But no words came out.

Without 40 ounces of social skills
I'm just an ass in the crack of humanity.
I'm just a huge manatee.
A huge manatee.

And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands, and
All I wanna do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons.

I tried to ask you to your face,
But no words came out.
I put on my hood and walked away.
That doesn't mean I don't like you."
-Nothing Came Out (Moldy Peaches)

strangers on a bus

no i'm not talking about murder...but i know it sounds odd when i say it...but i'm excited that i finally found out my bus driver's name! for 3 years i've taken the cal transit bus with him and we talked about a lot of random stuff like red bull, tae kwon do, earrings, snowboarding, etc... anyway, i finally asked him what his name was because i was like i'm graduating soon and i'll never find out his name so here goes...*drum roll please* his name is sandu. either romanian or indian. yup the suspense is now over my tae kwon do practicing, jack n'coke drinking, self ear piercing, football watching, california touring, bus driver's name has finally been revealed. harhar...yes i am a dork but what can i say?

the move out

for 2 years i called this little room home

now all that is left are memories packed away in little boxes, filled with books i'll never read, and clothes i'll never wear

a collection of junk from what will be known as my "college days"

dream big...

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

cornerstone

it's about 5:50 in the morning and my roommate comes in a little hesitant. he sits down, and he's almost shaking. he's like..."i lost something today." i'm like "you lost your virginity." he doesn't say anything. about 5 min. later i asked, who was it. he tells me, i look her up on facebook and he's like she's cute but you might say something about her teeth. he emphasizes her body being nice and her teeth being ok. later on he says i had a little performance anxiety. hahahahaha why is this sooo funny? "i've kept my virginity for a long time..." i *giggle*. i told him this is how it should have gone down.

you walk in, you sit down and you say. "hey guess what? i fucked some chick tonight"
i say "oh really? who was she?"
you say "some hot wushu chick"

so then he says ok let's redue this. he walks out of my room, he walks in and tries this, however i'm giggling too hard. this has to be the most amusing thing i've heard in a long time.

collateral damage

it's great to know that when i'm serious about something, i am not scared of pain. hahaha...hopefully it'll be better by tomorrow so i can try it again. this it from trying to catch a flipping bottle on the back of my hand.

nose dives and feeling on top of the world...

my summer has been a whirlwind of excitement...NOT! i spent the last month at home relaxing, and it was great up until about this last week when everything went to hell. i have no idea what happened but the happy feeling i had slipped right through the cracks. i think maybe it was because i had bartending class for 2 weeks. i'd have to say probably one of the best consecutive 2 weeks i've had in a very long time. i want to delve deeper into the details but i have to run...time to go up north.

it was like pompeii...minus the dead bodies

a moment of weakness broke the dam of tears i've held in for months now. seriously when people say can't live with them and can't live without them, i think they were all referring to their mothers. my mom is a crazy lady who hates going to the doctors even if something doesn't feel right. she doesn't take her medicine and likes to bitch and moan about her health. same thing goes for the dogs...she won't take them to the vet either. one of my dogs is allergic to everything and goes into anaphylactic shock or is epileptic...not sure which one, one has a cone on because she just got spayed and the last one is an 11 year old dog with a few tumors and a mad temper. also he has really bad ear infections in which my mom proceeds to "clean" for him with water. (why why why are uneducated people so ignorant? what happened to the common sense? did it slip out of her head one day while she was sleeping? where is the logic?) one day this house will drive me crazy, i will not be able to control my anger and run away forever. a one way ticket to somewhere far far away from sick dogs, and crazy moms where i can relax, bartend, ride my motorcycle, and do everything i want to do. seriously though...today i cried for like half and hour with those uncontrollable sobs in between. i felt like i was 5 again and my mom yelled at me for breaking the vase. but i know it will get better...i just don't know when. i hate drowning and not knowing when i'll reach the shore or if there will be buoy to guide my way, or lighthouses. but if not...i guess i'm on my own.

so far out of reach...

i know no one this hot exists in the world that i live in...but it's nice to look at. as for the world that i live in...apparently no one would want me anyway. every time there is someone cute, they're looking at my friends, never at me. doesn't seem like there's anything in this world i can really get. only good news in the past week was the i passed my bartending class with flying colors. 98% written, 102% speed test, 12 drinks in 5:30 min. sometimes i want to cry, but sometimes it feels like everything is so far out of reach. i can't wait till i can find a job bartending, i hope i do a great job and get well known because so far that seems to be the only thing i can do right. if i can't even do that...then what else am i good for?

but for now, i can only dream...

the final days of college

it seems that it never occurred to me how sad i would actually be when the day came that our apt. would split up and go our own separate ways. of course it was something that i knew was inevitable and looming, but now i realize that it is just around the corner. pH is moving out about the time i am going back up and 2 weeks after ari is leaving too. the empty apt. of all the memories made will fade into just a short portion of our 20 some odd years of life. a very insignificant piece of our lives that will be forgotten shortly after the real world sweeps us off our feet and into the turbulent sea ahead of us. we'll have jobs, meet new people, get married, start families, and all of that will wash away the short 2 years that we lived together. i guess since i'm the girl, i am the sentimental one that will actually feel a bit lonely the last month that i am spending in the apt. by myself. it is kind of sad how fast everything picked up. henry is going to philly, ari is going to michigan, peter's going to the caribbeans, and all the people that i finally really hung out with these last couples of semesters are going to be gone. (except david, however he'll be up here and i'll be in LA) i guess it never struck me as such a big deal until i realized how short of time we have left together. i don't know what is in store for me in the future but i do hope that i can still keep in touch with these friends because they are a lot of fun to hang out with and i know that as they chase their own dreams and i chase my own, life has reached a cornerstone. i don't know why i feel so nostalgic and a little stressed about the path ahead of me...but i do hope that we all manage to obtain what we want in life and maybe get together, play some games, and feel like no time ever passed since the last time we laughed together. it sounds cheesy and lame, but i am sentimental, what can i say...

the last month, i'm going to be living in an unfurnished 2 bedroom apartment, with no tv and just a mattress. by the 14th of august, it will be nothing but an old room for other college students to make their memories, start their own apartment fires, throw their own korean nights, crack watermelons, play guitar hero or caesar IV, and have their own hung over mornings. i should hurry up and finish my thesis so i can get out of there as soon as possible because truthfully, i think i will be the saddest when we all go our separate ways because i have depended on them for sustenance (as they have depended on me), entertainment, and consoled in them in times of distress. well nusira and pudgypaw, thanks for the two years of amusement i wish you guys the best of luck and know that i will still come to bug you when i'm bored. you guys are some of the best roommates a person could have and yeah, let's do it again some time. heh...

a home of my own

these last few days have been spent at my sister's. makes me really wonder whether i will ever have a life like that. she's got a nice 3 bedroom house, a husband, and 2 ridiculously cute dogs. i...what do i have? i have a very uncertain future ahead of me, no job, no real direction. but one day that is what i want. her shower is great, it's got strong water pressure, and thick nice towels. i'm a little sad because i am so far from that and there is still so much more i need to do before i could ever have that. i am a leaf in the wind getting blown away whatever direction life is taking me. so what direction is the wind coming from now? i have no idea but i hope it ends at a place where i can be content and eventually have my own thick towels, nice showers, cute dogs, and a husband that loves me. *sigh* anyway...enough rambling. i'm going to enjoy the rest of my time here.

"この月明かりの下　ひとり知れず
君の名前だけを呼んでいた
いつまでも未来をさがしてた
この光の中に..."
-月明かり (Rei Fu)

the beginning of the end...

inspired

who we meet and what we do define the experiences we gain and the lessons we learn in a lifetime. a single second could change the rest of our lives. i want to be inspired and i want to learn more from the world but i don't want to have to be evaluated in the process. life and school shouldn't be a chore, it should be something that you really want to do. i want to go out and experience life for everything it has to offer and be wise and learned. i want to be able to converse with people on multiple levels and learn everything i can from them. maybe someday someone i meet will be inspired by the things that i do and i can feel like i made some sort of a difference. an impact on the world in a small way. until then i can only chase my dreams and hope that i can be just a little bit wiser.

i really want to travel the world, and i think i want to be a professor someday...even if it means enduring grad school. right now i am like a leaf in the wind. waiting until the storm blows over.

unattainable

"Real love is wanting to protect the person you like whenever

they're near and not wanting anything in return."
-Nobu (NANA)

i think that my idea of a perfect relationship is one that is always there. it is something that you can easily fall back on and it will never fade no matter what happens. i think it is a very bad delusion and very naive of me to believe it. i think what drew me to reading/watching NANA was the unattainably of their relationships. the one that idealized was between Yasu and Nana, they had a close relationship and he was always there for her. it was a love that he ended up giving up his own dreams for, however he sacrificed it for his friend. eventually they both moved on with their lives and he could not be kind to her anymore without her being so dependant on him, so it was like she was drowning in the ocean again. but before that, they were great together and that was what kept me interested. i like ren and nana's love, however to me it seems too conventional and after awhile it became trite. he left her to pursue his own dream and made the choice to sing for Reira. i felt it was the ultimate betrayal to her and the two people by her side were Nobu and Yasu. there are a lot of things that get me sucked in for the same wrong reason. X-Files - Mulder/Scully, CSI:NY - Mac/Stella, Gilmore Girls - Luke/Lorelai, CSI - Grissom/Sara. the relationship that's always there to fall back on. i guess to some extent its the friendship kind of love that i admire. they have this perfect trust and even though they may suffer watching the other one go, they know in their hearts that they are always there. my naive hopeless romantic ways will always get the best of me. i think that's the way i see love, and how it should be...something that is ultimately unattainable.

i guess i just want to feel that sense of security, stability, and safety. and someone to believe in me when i want to pursue my dreams and accept me even if i fail. to help me through my journey as well as let me help them through theirs. what is love anyway?

"No matter what I do, I'll still have the fate of a girl
who just keeps getting hurt, wondering if she can ever be
happy in this pointless, one-man show?"

loneliness

seems that loneliness has got the best of me. is it ok to hurt? is it ok to believe again? this picture reminds me when i was so disappointed that i prayed so long and so hard for my autograph to come and finally, one gloomy day my freshman year of college...my mom said the letter came back. my autograph came after like...3 years? or something ridiculous, but it was one of the greatest moments of my life, next to meeting Rivers Cuomo and eating with him at Shakey's. that was something that made me want to pinch myself because there was no way that it was real. what happened to that hopeful little girl inside of me? why did she die? or does it just come with age?

I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green jello all over my body reading playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

No matter what I do, I'll still have the fate of a girl who just keeps getting hurt, wondering if she can ever be happy in this pointless, one-man show?

stolen optimism

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."
Bernard Edmonds quotes


"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true."
Leon Joseph Cardinal Suenens quotes ( Archbishop of Malines-Brussels 1904-1996)


"The supreme object of life is to live. Few people live. It is true life only to realize one's own perfection, to make one's every dream a reality."
Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)


"A goal is a dream with a deadline."
Napoleon Hill quotes (American author, 1883-1970)

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
James Dean quotes (American motion picture actor, symbol of rebellion, 1931-1955)


"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
Buddha quotes (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

"Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream."
Lao Tzu quotes (Chinese taoist Philosopher, founder of Taoism, wrote "Tao Te Ching" (also "The Book of the Way"). 600 BC-531 BC)


"Excellence can be obtained if you:

...care more than others think is wise;

...risk more than others think is safe;

...dream more than others think is practical;

...expect more than others think is possible."
Author unknown.

confessions of an undergrad

"Don't try to live so wise,

Don't cry, 'cause you're so right

Don't dry, with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end"
-Wind (Akeboshi)

when i am asked the inevitable question of what i am going to do after graduation, i am faced with looks of concern and interest. for those who i am scared to disappoint, i will not tell them that i really don't know what i am going to do, where i am going to work or that i really want to be a bartender. i am a blue collar kind of person with a white collar degree. this summer i'm going to bartending school and after i graduate i am going to find a job at a local bar and start building experience from there. i also am going to find my own place and start saving for my future. i will look for a job in a company as a day job and at night i want to work the night life.

i am not an academic, and i fear to disappoint those who ask me what i want to do and i have nothing productive to tell them. then i become less interesting, and i am like every other screw up who only graduated from high school. however i am graduating from college! i should be doing something great with my life right? that's what i feel like they expect from me, i guess i can only disappoint. my best friend is 10 times better than me now. i am envious of her, she knows what she wants to do with her life and knows the direction she's going in. she has a stable relationship and is making a difference with her job. i work at a bookstore and as a hotel receptionist. i've been a waitress, a customer service rep at the gym, an usher, a desk clerk, and have never been satisfied with anything i do.

i've been in a self destructive stage and i'm finally getting myself out of it, i'm sure i am the last person that anyone ever wants to ask for life advice. i run to forget my problems, why am i so weak willed? i've never been in a stable relationship that i actually want to be in, and i feel like i will never actually get to make a difference because sometimes i just don't care enough. i can't keep my head on straight and i think everyone can see that, now all i am is a disappointment and what can i say to that except that i did it to myself. no matter how much i detox, i will always feel like i can wash any of it away. i can see it in their eyes, and how they have nothing more to say to me because as the rest of the world matures, i am the only one who is left behind.