confessions of an undergrad

"Don't try to live so wise,

Don't cry, 'cause you're so right

Don't dry, with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end"
-Wind (Akeboshi)

when i am asked the inevitable question of what i am going to do after graduation, i am faced with looks of concern and interest. for those who i am scared to disappoint, i will not tell them that i really don't know what i am going to do, where i am going to work or that i really want to be a bartender. i am a blue collar kind of person with a white collar degree. this summer i'm going to bartending school and after i graduate i am going to find a job at a local bar and start building experience from there. i also am going to find my own place and start saving for my future. i will look for a job in a company as a day job and at night i want to work the night life.

i am not an academic, and i fear to disappoint those who ask me what i want to do and i have nothing productive to tell them. then i become less interesting, and i am like every other screw up who only graduated from high school. however i am graduating from college! i should be doing something great with my life right? that's what i feel like they expect from me, i guess i can only disappoint. my best friend is 10 times better than me now. i am envious of her, she knows what she wants to do with her life and knows the direction she's going in. she has a stable relationship and is making a difference with her job. i work at a bookstore and as a hotel receptionist. i've been a waitress, a customer service rep at the gym, an usher, a desk clerk, and have never been satisfied with anything i do.

i've been in a self destructive stage and i'm finally getting myself out of it, i'm sure i am the last person that anyone ever wants to ask for life advice. i run to forget my problems, why am i so weak willed? i've never been in a stable relationship that i actually want to be in, and i feel like i will never actually get to make a difference because sometimes i just don't care enough. i can't keep my head on straight and i think everyone can see that, now all i am is a disappointment and what can i say to that except that i did it to myself. no matter how much i detox, i will always feel like i can wash any of it away. i can see it in their eyes, and how they have nothing more to say to me because as the rest of the world matures, i am the only one who is left behind.