learn to be lonely

" Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion"

blood boils and it feels like the hairs on the back of your neck just start to stand. it doesn't matter what we're doing, but somehow we manage to get into an going to choose a place outside of living in my house sometimes feels like the stage for some horribly scripted drama. everyone'sargument about it. i think i'mseoul for work because i really need to do some soul searching. i may even start compiling a book of short stories. i am still feeling as lost as ever, i started looking at some books on korean today and a fear crept in me. this always happens when the spontaneity goes away. i begin to look rationally at something and i hate that. i like doing what i want when i want to. i like the impulsive decisions i make and i like not knowing what there is to expect from life. it makes everything more exciting. work is beginning to become dull but the money is good so i'm not complaining. i just really can't see my life in 10 years from now. what should i be doing?

"Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own
Learn to be lonely

Life can be lived life can be loved alone"

i feel really lonely sometimes because although i have friends, i feel like we're all too busy to really get involved with each other's lives. we're just...going through the motions of social interaction and we're all too involved with ourselves to really care. i mean even my sister...i hardly see her, the last time i did she was mostly thinking about how to cater to her husband. that's another thing, why have all the people i know vanished because of their significant others? i guess when i get into my own relationship (if that will ever happen) i will disappear too. just because i want them to know how it feels when everything i do has to cater to my significant other rather than the person you are talking to or you are hanging out with. i think this move out to korea will be good for me. i think it's a good idea to get myself into a different culture so i don't have the comforts of the familiar. familiarity can be a very bad thing because slowly my caustic personality will destroy the friendships i try to hold on to so dearly.

my mom says it's because i can do things for myself, and because i am straightforward and sometimes caustic that i will never find a boyfriend. she seems to think that if i become some weak little girl (which i can never look like btw) that it'll be the only way for someone to ever be interested in me. i think the reason why i held on so long to my last tethered relationship was because he didn't care what i wore, how i looked, and if i'm caustic or straightforward. he didn't care that i liked video games or liked buying dvds instead of pretty clothes. but i guess that was all a lie too. that was the real reason he had meant the world to me, and i watched helplessly as it crumbled in front of me.

maybe when i come back from korea i'll feel like i finally figured enough of myself out to be able to look into the mirror and not want to punch the reflection staring dully back at me. it's always important to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to...too bad it's impossible for me to ever love myself.

"so you're gone and I'm haunted
I'll bet you are just fine
did I make it that easy to walk
right in and out of my life?

goodbye my almost lover
goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do"

fob pictures @ cue

we remember

just wanted to say thanks to all the brave men and women that lost their lives on 9/11. we have not forgotten.

quarter life crisis: confessions of a college graduate

so i've been home for...about 3 weeks now. mom drives me insane...says inane things all the time. sometimes i want to tell her to get an education or some life experience, other times...i just want to lock her in the closet. been looking for a job, found some work at some obscure place but it pays ok so i'm not complaining. as for other jobs, i was looking into maybe being a server, bartender, hostess, or even a tutor. but apparently that's not good enough for my mom, she wants me to work in a corporate office. all i hear is her nagging me about being a college graduate and still working part-time jobs. i don't mind, so why does she? it's so annoying...especially when she was like "what if i was your boss and i asked you what your goals are in life? your dreams? aspirations?" i just stopped talking. i don't wanna play her stupid game.

i'm going to korea for a reason, to get away from all of this, this bullshit family that guilts each other into doing stuff. why do i have to stay around and take it? i find nothing but empty promises and way too many expectations. i'm 21, to many that's really young, to others i am old and seemingly responsible. i am a college graduate...hard to choke those words out. i really need to do my soul searching and figure out what i really what to do with my life. i've never really had one passion in life that i really really wanted. everything was other people's expectations of me. they influence my thoughts, and eventually my actions so to get away from it all i am going to teach english to korean students. everyone asks me about whether i'll need to know korean and when i say no, they just look at me like i'm dumb. i'm tired of explaining this to them. i'm teaching them english, not korean!! i don't need to know korean, so FUCK OFF!!! i'm tired of all these inquires and "worries" and "oh i'm gonna come stay with you." get away no one wants you around that's why i'm going there by myself!!!!! i don't want your opinion unless i ask for it!!!!! as you can tell quarter-life crises are not fun...maybe one day i'll finally be able to say i understand myself completely. but until then don't speak unless you're spoken to!

"can you teach my how to live
cause you make me want to die..."
-Tyrant (The Bravery)

my summer with the triad

so for those of you who don't know...i am currently working at my local strip club as a bartender. however i don't get to serve alcoholic drinks. the money pays well so i'm not really complaining. i'm only working 2 days out of the week and i get the day shift. yes...apparently there are people who go to strip clubs from 11-7:30pm. so next time your co-worker says, "i'm going to lunch!" you can wonder whether they're really going to lunch. as for the backroom, i feel like i'm in some triad movie where the boss is this chinese dude who counts the money and calls out all the orders. all the employees are asian, all the strippers...are not. they have a money counter, a large safe and wads of cash. the manager sits behind a desk with his arms folded and awaits his payment from the girls. the girls don't work for the club, they rent "stage space" so the house gets a certain amount per dance, per VIP room, and they get to charge admission. i wouldn't be surprised if the walls opened up to reveal rows of guns if anyone ever tried to rob them. the girls tip us and i have to remember a whole list of stripper names like Destiny and Peaches. all in all, it is probably the shadiest job i've ever held, but then again. it's just another story to tell the kids i will never have. my first job after getting an undergraduate degree from Berkeley is bartending at a strip club.

one day...

i want to be able to say:

i am a poet.
an author
a musician.
an artist
a rock star.
an art enthusiast
a collector.
an experienced bartender
a significant other.
an athlete
a successful individual.
an interesting person
an FBI agent.
an extremely awesome friend
a knowledgeable professor.
an inspiration to someone
a mysterious stranger.
an individual
a guitar hero.
an asset to society
a force to be reckoned with.
an activist
a well-versed student of the world.

黒い涙

"飾りつけないで
このままの私で生きてゆくため
何が必要
自分さえ信じれず
　何を信じたらいいの
答えは近すぎて見えない

黒い涙　流し　叫んでも
知らぬ顔で明日は来て
同じ痛みにぶつかる
そんな日々を続けるなら
遠く　消えてしまいたい
わがままと　わかっても…"

i think the problem is having to look at yourself everyday and not be annoyed at what you see. i mean i'm sure not everyone enjoys seeing themselves but sometimes i just wish i could put my existence one pause. stop my world for a little while, take a breath and enjoy the little things like lying in bed on a cold day. there are days when you can't help but feel lonely. the saddest part is when you're in a crowded room and you can't feel a connection to anyone. when i'm bartending i can pretend i'm your friend and you can pretend you're mine. and for the span of the night you can laugh and by morning it will be like they never existed. it's a lot of fun, but i think after awhile i'll get tired of leading this kind of life. right now in berkeley it is cloudy overhead just like 3 augusts ago when i first came here. last night i was walking home with an empty stomach thinking of all the memories i'd created on these streets. (i mention empty stomach because i was thinking about where to eat like maybe mandarin garden, one of the first places i'd ate at when i was a freshman). then as i neared university ave. i flooded my memory banks with heart stabbing memories of rejection and heart break. i chuckled lightly to myself and walked home.

there are many things in berkeley i will miss like walking through campus and looking over the bay. many people too like my friends, my boss, my bus driver, and the college version of me astonished at the idea of being a berkeley student. i sometimes still don't believe that i actually am going to graduate from this university. i loathe myself sometimes so much that i fail to believe that i can actually do something relatively great. then other times i dream of days when money won't be an issue and i can sail the open sea with a newly purchased yacht. when will i learn to love myself?

"What do I need to do
To be able to live as I am, without dressing myself up?
I can't even believe in myself, so what should I believe in?
The answer is so close that I can’t see it

Even if I cry black tears and scream
Tomorrow will come with an unfamiliar face
And I’ll come up against the same pain
If those days are going to continue
Then I want to go far away
Even though I know it's selfish of me..."

love to hate...

or hate to love...

haven't you encountered those people in your life that you love to hate, every part of you wants to punch them when the thought of them enters your head but if you were to ever see them, you almost instantaneously change your mind. you hate yourself because you know it's the ones that you'll never get over. the ones you'll never be able to forget. those are the ones you hate to love. i can think of a few on the top of my list right now because of a dream i had last night that made me cringe when i woke up because i knew it would linger in my brain for days until something else replaces it.

i seriously have to stop partying on the weekends. one, i'm poor. two, i have work at 8am. three, my liver is going to be severely damaged. four, my lack of sleep is killing me. five, i have to finish my thesis and start my paper for soc 180. the nights are taking a toll on me. i'm so tired right now because i came home at 3. shoveled some food in my mouth and went to bed. now i'm at work regretting even going last night because seriously...it just starts to eat away at you piece by piece. i'd rather be in the music scene than the club scene i think because at least i can rock out and enjoy the music. it's about the music and not about the guys. the only thing that matters is that feeling of complete immersion, all your worries drowned by the sound of the pounding bass. it is probably good that i go back to la. i might have a police dispatcher job available. that would be cool. yesterday was fun though, screaming songs on karaoke revolution and hanging out with christal, christina, and anna. i just hope she's not mad at me. :-/ i really shouldn't have gone last night. i feel like death now.

bartenders are amazing...i don't think i'm going to be able to keep up.

" Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up...
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is wrong with me!

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares"
-Given Up (Linkin Park)

discover

so after 3 years of living in this town, i finally found the places i should have gone to years ago. i went to eat lunch at cafe gratitude for lunch today and i thought that the vegan pizza was amazing. to think that something healthy could actually taste good was a big shock to me. each bite was filled with the different tomatoes they layered on top. there was a whole array of flavor bombarding my taste buds and i found myself tasting my food for the first time in a long time. you know when you try new things and you let the flavor linger in your mouth? well yah that's what i did today, i let each bite cover my taste buds. the nutty pesto added to the tangy sweetness of the medley of cherry tomatoes. then after lunch we walked to the gourmet ghetto on north side and looked at everything they had to offer. although things were pricey, they looked far better than anything you can get on south side. the restaurants were filled with white people drinking wine and eating salads for lunch discussing politics with a nice pinot blanc. we also went to the farmers market where i sampled a variety of tomatoes each with their own flavor, color, size and shape. i bought some cherry tomatoes and tried an awesome white nectarine. families brought their kids, drank fresh apple cider, and it had a very nice community feeling to it.

i guess this is the side of me i hardly get to see because apparently everyone just thinks i'm a raving alcoholic bartender that spends all my weekends hungover. i really just enjoy watching the bartenders make their drinks, i like watching their techniques, and tasting how various bars mix their drinks. it is like research for me...most bartenders are alcoholics anyway. i think i have my wild party side, and a very homey farmer's market side too. i guess what i'm saying is i'm torn between the beauty that lies within the "organic" berkeley and the city life of hollywood.

maybe one day i can go to asia and try a bit of both with sakura viewing in japan. eating bento boxes under the tree with friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors. and then go to seoul, korea to party the nights away while i am still young. maybe one day i'll have cucumber scented bars of soap infused with shea butter waiting for me in my studio apartment.


i've been enjoying living by myself these last couple of weeks. i wash whatever dish i use right after i use it, i take out the trash, i keep the place the way i want it to be without anyone coming in to want it their way. "it's too cold, it's too hot, you ate my food, you left the water running..." etc... bullshit that you have to deal with when you have to live with others. i love just laying in bed hidden under my covers, curled up with a movie playing on my laptop or a nice book to read. sometimes, if it's too loud, you really should turn it down. slow down and enjoy life for whatever it has to offer. like fresh cherry tomatoes.

an unconventional crush

have you ever had a crush on someone that you know you could probably never date? regardless of whether or not they liked you, you just couldn't date them. you'd like to be really good friends with them though because you are unfortunately attracted to them and their magnetic personality. when you're not around them, nothing happens, when you are around them it's like you only really want to talk to them. they fade to the back of your memory until you talk to them again and the spark reignites whatever feelings you had for them before. it's a feeling that you can't explain but distresses you. you could never imagine yourself being intimate with this person but somehow there is attraction there. as much as you try to fight it, you can't really seem to shake the feeling so eventually you give in. after a few times of distress, it starts to bother you. am i really attracted to this person? you want to confirm it by talking to them again, but you can't...because although you are friends you hardly ever see them. this is an unconventional crush. you want others to offer ideas or solutions but all they can say is uhh...due to the utter shock of who it is. i guess the feeling will fade until i see them again...and at that point, whatever will be will be.

"just because i don't say anything
doesn't mean i don't like you.
I open my mouth and I try and i try
But no words came out.

Without 40 ounces of social skills
I'm just an ass in the crack of humanity.
I'm just a huge manatee.
A huge manatee.

And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands, and
All I wanna do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons.

I tried to ask you to your face,
But no words came out.
I put on my hood and walked away.
That doesn't mean I don't like you."
-Nothing Came Out (Moldy Peaches)

strangers on a bus

no i'm not talking about murder...but i know it sounds odd when i say it...but i'm excited that i finally found out my bus driver's name! for 3 years i've taken the cal transit bus with him and we talked about a lot of random stuff like red bull, tae kwon do, earrings, snowboarding, etc... anyway, i finally asked him what his name was because i was like i'm graduating soon and i'll never find out his name so here goes...*drum roll please* his name is sandu. either romanian or indian. yup the suspense is now over my tae kwon do practicing, jack n'coke drinking, self ear piercing, football watching, california touring, bus driver's name has finally been revealed. harhar...yes i am a dork but what can i say?

the move out

for 2 years i called this little room home

now all that is left are memories packed away in little boxes, filled with books i'll never read, and clothes i'll never wear

a collection of junk from what will be known as my "college days"

dream big...

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

cornerstone

it's about 5:50 in the morning and my roommate comes in a little hesitant. he sits down, and he's almost shaking. he's like..."i lost something today." i'm like "you lost your virginity." he doesn't say anything. about 5 min. later i asked, who was it. he tells me, i look her up on facebook and he's like she's cute but you might say something about her teeth. he emphasizes her body being nice and her teeth being ok. later on he says i had a little performance anxiety. hahahahaha why is this sooo funny? "i've kept my virginity for a long time..." i *giggle*. i told him this is how it should have gone down.

you walk in, you sit down and you say. "hey guess what? i fucked some chick tonight"
i say "oh really? who was she?"
you say "some hot wushu chick"

so then he says ok let's redue this. he walks out of my room, he walks in and tries this, however i'm giggling too hard. this has to be the most amusing thing i've heard in a long time.

collateral damage

it's great to know that when i'm serious about something, i am not scared of pain. hahaha...hopefully it'll be better by tomorrow so i can try it again. this it from trying to catch a flipping bottle on the back of my hand.

nose dives and feeling on top of the world...

my summer has been a whirlwind of excitement...NOT! i spent the last month at home relaxing, and it was great up until about this last week when everything went to hell. i have no idea what happened but the happy feeling i had slipped right through the cracks. i think maybe it was because i had bartending class for 2 weeks. i'd have to say probably one of the best consecutive 2 weeks i've had in a very long time. i want to delve deeper into the details but i have to run...time to go up north.

it was like pompeii...minus the dead bodies

a moment of weakness broke the dam of tears i've held in for months now. seriously when people say can't live with them and can't live without them, i think they were all referring to their mothers. my mom is a crazy lady who hates going to the doctors even if something doesn't feel right. she doesn't take her medicine and likes to bitch and moan about her health. same thing goes for the dogs...she won't take them to the vet either. one of my dogs is allergic to everything and goes into anaphylactic shock or is epileptic...not sure which one, one has a cone on because she just got spayed and the last one is an 11 year old dog with a few tumors and a mad temper. also he has really bad ear infections in which my mom proceeds to "clean" for him with water. (why why why are uneducated people so ignorant? what happened to the common sense? did it slip out of her head one day while she was sleeping? where is the logic?) one day this house will drive me crazy, i will not be able to control my anger and run away forever. a one way ticket to somewhere far far away from sick dogs, and crazy moms where i can relax, bartend, ride my motorcycle, and do everything i want to do. seriously though...today i cried for like half and hour with those uncontrollable sobs in between. i felt like i was 5 again and my mom yelled at me for breaking the vase. but i know it will get better...i just don't know when. i hate drowning and not knowing when i'll reach the shore or if there will be buoy to guide my way, or lighthouses. but if not...i guess i'm on my own.

so far out of reach...

i know no one this hot exists in the world that i live in...but it's nice to look at. as for the world that i live in...apparently no one would want me anyway. every time there is someone cute, they're looking at my friends, never at me. doesn't seem like there's anything in this world i can really get. only good news in the past week was the i passed my bartending class with flying colors. 98% written, 102% speed test, 12 drinks in 5:30 min. sometimes i want to cry, but sometimes it feels like everything is so far out of reach. i can't wait till i can find a job bartending, i hope i do a great job and get well known because so far that seems to be the only thing i can do right. if i can't even do that...then what else am i good for?

but for now, i can only dream...

the final days of college

it seems that it never occurred to me how sad i would actually be when the day came that our apt. would split up and go our own separate ways. of course it was something that i knew was inevitable and looming, but now i realize that it is just around the corner. pH is moving out about the time i am going back up and 2 weeks after ari is leaving too. the empty apt. of all the memories made will fade into just a short portion of our 20 some odd years of life. a very insignificant piece of our lives that will be forgotten shortly after the real world sweeps us off our feet and into the turbulent sea ahead of us. we'll have jobs, meet new people, get married, start families, and all of that will wash away the short 2 years that we lived together. i guess since i'm the girl, i am the sentimental one that will actually feel a bit lonely the last month that i am spending in the apt. by myself. it is kind of sad how fast everything picked up. henry is going to philly, ari is going to michigan, peter's going to the caribbeans, and all the people that i finally really hung out with these last couples of semesters are going to be gone. (except david, however he'll be up here and i'll be in LA) i guess it never struck me as such a big deal until i realized how short of time we have left together. i don't know what is in store for me in the future but i do hope that i can still keep in touch with these friends because they are a lot of fun to hang out with and i know that as they chase their own dreams and i chase my own, life has reached a cornerstone. i don't know why i feel so nostalgic and a little stressed about the path ahead of me...but i do hope that we all manage to obtain what we want in life and maybe get together, play some games, and feel like no time ever passed since the last time we laughed together. it sounds cheesy and lame, but i am sentimental, what can i say...

the last month, i'm going to be living in an unfurnished 2 bedroom apartment, with no tv and just a mattress. by the 14th of august, it will be nothing but an old room for other college students to make their memories, start their own apartment fires, throw their own korean nights, crack watermelons, play guitar hero or caesar IV, and have their own hung over mornings. i should hurry up and finish my thesis so i can get out of there as soon as possible because truthfully, i think i will be the saddest when we all go our separate ways because i have depended on them for sustenance (as they have depended on me), entertainment, and consoled in them in times of distress. well nusira and pudgypaw, thanks for the two years of amusement i wish you guys the best of luck and know that i will still come to bug you when i'm bored. you guys are some of the best roommates a person could have and yeah, let's do it again some time. heh...

a home of my own

these last few days have been spent at my sister's. makes me really wonder whether i will ever have a life like that. she's got a nice 3 bedroom house, a husband, and 2 ridiculously cute dogs. i...what do i have? i have a very uncertain future ahead of me, no job, no real direction. but one day that is what i want. her shower is great, it's got strong water pressure, and thick nice towels. i'm a little sad because i am so far from that and there is still so much more i need to do before i could ever have that. i am a leaf in the wind getting blown away whatever direction life is taking me. so what direction is the wind coming from now? i have no idea but i hope it ends at a place where i can be content and eventually have my own thick towels, nice showers, cute dogs, and a husband that loves me. *sigh* anyway...enough rambling. i'm going to enjoy the rest of my time here.

"この月明かりの下　ひとり知れず
君の名前だけを呼んでいた
いつまでも未来をさがしてた
この光の中に..."
-月明かり (Rei Fu)