quick sand

it's hard when you realize you have no one you can trust. in life you can only depend on yourself, everyone else is just using you as a step to get what they want. i'm sinking hard and fast in a deep pit unable to pick myself up right now. at some point everyone wants to be rescued but you realize you can only save yourself.

cigarette

CSI:NY

"You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all.
You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're...
You're so damn hot."
-OK Go

The new show to watch...CSI:NY because Carmine Giovinazzo is oh so hot. Now if only the rest of the guys in this world would even remotely look this hot then I'd be set.

fast food nation

for those of you who have not seen it, watch it.
for those of you who have, i hope you haven't ate another cow since.

i'm never gonna eat meat ever again under my own volition. Blarrgh!

commit this to memory

i think it's really been awhile since i've reflected back on who i've become. i think it's really scary and i hope that soon enough i'll be able to change that. i've become a monster that i don't even recognize anymore. somebody save me from myself. somebody save the world from me.

"I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal"
-Animal I Have Become (Three Days Grace)

allergies

Another reason to not scratch your eyes even if they itch!

an inspirational title

you spend a certain amount of time around people, you get your heart b r o k e.
treachery, hypocrisy, the promise of love.
look into the mouth of a person and you'll find l i e s wriggling there like maggots waiting to grow wings.
the world has gone mad.
a man could kill from sunup to sunset and still his work would NEVER be done.

happiness

it's amazing isn't it?:

"there are two types of guys in this world, the ones that hold your hand and the ones that fuck you." -Samantha (Sex and the City)

i'm assuming that the ones that make you happy...are the ones that hold your hand.

浪人情歌

나는 그에게 차였어요. this is what i spent my valentines day doing...reading about rape on a plane eating southwest heart shaped chocolate and listening to my ipod shuffle.

"不要再想你, 不要再愛你

讓時間悄悄的飛逝
抹去我倆的回憶
對於你的名字, 從今不會再提起
不再讓悲傷, 將我心佔據
讓它隨風去, 讓它無痕跡
所有快樂悲傷所有過去通通都拋去
心中想的念的盼的望的不會再是你
不願再承受, 要把你忘記
我會擦去我不小心滴下的淚水
還會裝做一切都無所謂
將你和我的愛情全部敲碎
再將它通通趕出我受傷的心扉"

is there hope for the faithless?

i think that having too much spare time on my hands makes me feel like i'm drowning in my own thoughts. i feel lonely and depression begins to creep over me. i want friends outside of my circle but when i look through my phone i realize that there really isn't anyone i would call in a heartbeat. i am no longer angry, i don't think about certain people, i just think about my own life and how fast everything is coming. i let the rain wash over me like a cold shower and let the music drown out all the thoughts. i'd like to be happy again, i'd like to be giddy and mean it when i smile. i want to believe that there is something good in the world for me and that eventually i will find it. i want to have faith in myself, my friends and my religion but each passing day has made it harder to do.

"i wake up it's a bad dream
no one on my side
i was fighting
but i feel too tired
to be fighting
guess i'm not the fighting kind"
-A Bad Dream (Keane)

just hold my hand

i'd like to meet someone who doesn't mind slowing down and just sitting on the swings with me

"slow down everyone
you're moving too fast
frames can't catch you
when you're moving like that."
-Inaudible Melodies (Jack Johnson)

graduation day

so it's my third year at cal and i'm graduating in august. how scary is that? i pushed up my graduation because i realized i'm tired of all the midterms, term papers, finals, and stress that school puts on me. i might be ready for the real world. i'm gonna take 14 units this summer (it's like academic suicide) korean (10 units) and my thesis class (4 units) hopefully i'll be well along with my research to write something substantial before otherwise i will not be graduating.

my plan for after school is:

move back to LA, find a career/job, live at home and save money, then move to new york on my merry little way to being a full blown adult. eeep how scary! but life never turns out the way we plan. i might enjoy my job and stay in LA but still move out because there is NO WAY i want to stay at home. but bright side...my parents are getting me a car! yay! new car for graduating! i really need to just move on with my life and focus on the bigger picture. no more heart ache, no more playing stupid little games with boys. i just want to get out of here with the best education possible and be done with it.

since i have an extra 4 months from the fall then i can use that time and get my bartending license. then i'm gonna find some more little odd end jobs until i find a career. parents are sending me to taiwan to see the grandparents, gonna go play in china, japan, and korea in jan. wheeeee! this is starting to look like it might be worth it. now...who can i round up to go take this trip with me?

cruel world

i swear life is testing me. it is absolute torture i tell you. how long before i break? life keeps pushing my buttons, keeps poking at the sores, pouring salt on my wounds. how long before i break? this is cruel and unusual punishment i tell you! it won't be long before i break.

"you can't hide from the cruel world

there just is no place to run
it's been cruel from the beginning,
it will be cruel when we're done
welcome to the cruel world
hope you find your way
try to enjoy your stay"
-Welcome to the Cruel World (Ben Harper)

different people

"If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?"

-Fight Club

it's really scary how one can fall asleep as someone and wake up compeletely different. now i can finally understand when someone says, i just woke up and i realized i didn't love them anymore. at night people run low on cognitive resources so they are disarmed from all shielding mental processes, it is the time they are thinking the most clearly. however when you wake up in the morning well rested and rebooted you function in a more efficient fashion. everything that happened the night before is forgotten and you feel like a completely different person. what would happen if someone wasn't allowed to sleep? you would be functioning on complete emotion. that doesn't seem at all appealing to me.

karmic cycle

"what you do to me.
you confusin me
don't play with me
cause what goes around, comes around.
what goes up, must come down.
it's called karma baby."
-Karma (Alicia Keys)

my cousin told me the best karmic story i've ever heard. i always believed that there was a flaw in the karmic cycle, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people all the time. it seems unfair to the good people in the world. however after tonight it renewed my faith in the balance of the world. my cousin (who is an amazing person, world's perfect wife figure, a regular betty crocker as we call her) was with this guy for 8 years practically raised his son. she had a tough life growing up too, her step father was perverted and her mom didn't raise her. she lived in a small old house with very little to survive on. well anyway...the guy that she was with, he left her for a 19 year old thai girl he'd picked up when he was there. soon after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

now it's not that i'm saying people should get cancer, but i mean...this is the first time i've seen karma work in someone's favor. my cousin is amazing and strong i would definately not be able to survive a break up like that. but she's moved on and she's with a cornell graduate now and ready to start a new life with him. the other bastard is riddled with cancer cells and on his way to hell. oh i love the restored faith in the karmic cycle, shows me that bad things do happen to bad people.

my fight against mediocrity

"Sweetheart, you'll find mediocre people
do exceptional things all the time."
-What to Do (O.K. Go)

i guess i never really explained why i chose this name for my blog. i guess it's just that i've always felt that being mediocre sucks because i felt so ordinary. i watch the people around me doing amazing things and i'm constantly fighting this mediocrity. i am a jack of all trades but a master of nothing. mediocre people are overlooked day in and day out because they don't stand out. life is a constant struggle between accepting my mediocrity and fighting it. i wonder which side will win.

armed and dangerous

i went to a shooting range today and vented out all my anger. it was really fun, i think i'm starting to get the hang of it. if you couldn't tell from the target...i hit mostly chest shots. there is always method behind the madness.

"sometimes it happens feelings die

whole years lost in the blink of an eye
we once had it all but events conspired
oh sometimes..."
-Sometimes (Ash)

recipe for disaster

20 sake + beer (sake bombs) at like 18% alcohol, drank within a 3 hour time frame = worst hang over of your life

i had 3 birthday cakes this year.

"reason will not lead to solution
i will end up lost in confusion"
-The Cardigans

happy birthday

to me...

empty words

yakusoku

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versprechung
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promesse

whatever happened to keeping promises? remember when giving someone your word actually meant something? i think trust has been lost in our culture because no one ever means what they say anymore. a promise is nothing but an empty word now. and "your word" means nothing either. to trust is to place faith in someone else. the whole world is filled with flakers who say empty words that don't mean a thing. some people just say things they think others want to hear, say things to make excuses for themselves, say things just to hear themselves talk.

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promessa
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belofte

i just wish there will come a day when no one lies and a promise actually means something. so please stop saying things you don't mean, and saying things you won't do. i know i am also one who breaks their word, but i am trying, i really am. next time i say i am going to come visit you or call you i will, or else i will not say i am going to. i am tired of old friends playing the game of empty conversation. "oh yah, i've been meaning to call you. we need to catch up, let's hang out sometime!" and then you don't call, you don't meet, and nothing means anything. i'm sorry if i ever did that to any of my friends. i hope that one day i can keep all my promises and that everyone can keep theirs.

"i promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
i promise not to mind when you go your way and i go mine
i promise not to lie when i look you straight in the eye
i promise not to try and not to let you down"
-Promise (Eve 6)