is it any wonder?

"i always thought that i knew
i'd have the right to be living in the kingdom
of the good and true and so on
but now i think i was wrong..."

people say there are 2 things that are important in life, your education/career and your love life. looks like i'm failing miserably in both sections since i have no idea what i am going to do in the future and my love life looks even worse. i know i really want to go to NYC after i graduate if only to figure myself out. but what am i going to do there? my friends always ask me that, what are you going to do? there is rent and food you have to pay for. i really don't know, but i need this sabbatical, this time away from everything familiar because living with too many expectations from the people around you can drive you up the wall.

"is it any wonder that i'm tired?
is it any wonder that i feel uptight?
is it any wonder that i don't know what's right?"

i think lately i've been turning my frustrations towards the wrong people. my friends and my family had to put up with my attitude and short temper. i have to apologize since i don't really mean to be taking this out on you. i'm just tired of thinking about my future. as college is winding down all i can think of is what i'm supposed to be doing after. i look around and all i see are people getting interviews for grad schools, getting into serious relationships, moving in together, and having a clear view of what exactly it is they want to do. do you know what i see? i see a blur of nothing, i can't bring myself to settle on one thing, i fear i can't make it into the law enforcement field or won't cut it as a prosecutor. one question i always get is "what are you studying?" and then, "what are you planning to do with that degree?" i fear i can not live up to my own dreams and i will screw up everything my parents ever had to give me. i live everyday like i don't care about anything, but i do. i think i just care too much about everything that sometimes i get tired to care about anything. it is exhausting...

"sometimes it's hard to know where i stand.
it's hard to know where i am
well maybe it's a puzzle i don't understand."

also i've been feeling the pressures of that inevitable question you get asked every time someone doesn't see you for a long time. whether it be family, friends, old family friends, etc...all of you singles probably know which question i'm referring to..."any serious relationships lately? any significant others?" and when you say no, you know what is coming...the pitiful, "oh it's ok...don't worry you're still young." well you know what, i wasn't really worried until you ASKED me about it. it always makes me feel like i should be getting in some sort of relationship just so i can avoid those questions, maybe i should just lie to avoid it. that has been frustrating me lately also, now that the future seems so much closer than ever before. my close friends are all in something serious and are very happy! i fear i can't ever settle down nor ever be happy. i give myself about 3 months before i get bored or they do. see another chunk of cognitive resources being sucked up.

"sometimes i get the feeling that i'm stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme."

last but not least is my mom and her guilt trip trap. every time i come home she complains about something that hurts. something that happened to her, something new she heard on the news that definitely means she is dying. she uses her health as something to try to keep us close to home. it sucks because i want to get away from it all, i hate having to deal with her crap. you can't guilt your kids into ruining their own lives so they can take care of you. i just want to yell at her to go to the doctors. get checked out, find out if anything really IS wrong with her. then maybe she'll have a legit excuse for keeping us around. but no she doesn't want to go to the doctors, she likes it being ambiguous. probably because she doesn't want to find out that it's all in her head and then we'll finally get to go and do our own thing without feeling like we left her sickly at home by herself. she says shit like, "a lot of old people die alone and no one finds them for days, when they do find her the dog has eaten most of her face already." i'm like...i think you've been watching too much tv. but she makes me feel so bad sometimes, she makes me worry and i feel so helpless. i feel the more i distance myself from it, the less i have to face it, but no...she shoves it in my face every 5 min. that she'll die someday and somehow it'll be my fault.

"after all the misery that you made
is it any wonder that i feel afraid
is it any wonder that i feel betrayed?"

-Is it Any Wonder? (Keane)

oh and i am being sent back to berkeley the day after my 21st birthday because my mom doesn't want to drive me back up after winter break. i think i'll probably be in transit either on my birthday or sometime around then. so much for the big birthday party. sometimes i just can't wait to get out of here. she told me "don't worry...it's just your 21st birthday. wait till some guy can throw you a big party, when i was young i really wanted a big party for my 20th birthday but i didn't get it. your dad found out and threw me a big party for my 22nd birthday."

"happy birthday to you..."

i have so much pent up emotions i become this agitated person that snaps at every little thing and the worst part is i have no one to tell this to. the one person i thought i could relate to abandoned me a long time ago. i have too much to say but no one to say it to. i fear i will become a failure...and i don't want to be living at home for the rest of my life. even faith/religion can't save me anymore. i just need to focus and save myself from drowning in my own thoughts.

"get me away from here i'm dying...

play me a song to set me free"
-Get Me Away from Here I'm Dying (Belle and Sebastian)