cruel world

i swear life is testing me. it is absolute torture i tell you. how long before i break? life keeps pushing my buttons, keeps poking at the sores, pouring salt on my wounds. how long before i break? this is cruel and unusual punishment i tell you! it won't be long before i break.

"you can't hide from the cruel world

there just is no place to run
it's been cruel from the beginning,
it will be cruel when we're done
welcome to the cruel world
hope you find your way
try to enjoy your stay"
-Welcome to the Cruel World (Ben Harper)

different people

"If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?"

-Fight Club

it's really scary how one can fall asleep as someone and wake up compeletely different. now i can finally understand when someone says, i just woke up and i realized i didn't love them anymore. at night people run low on cognitive resources so they are disarmed from all shielding mental processes, it is the time they are thinking the most clearly. however when you wake up in the morning well rested and rebooted you function in a more efficient fashion. everything that happened the night before is forgotten and you feel like a completely different person. what would happen if someone wasn't allowed to sleep? you would be functioning on complete emotion. that doesn't seem at all appealing to me.

karmic cycle

"what you do to me.
you confusin me
don't play with me
cause what goes around, comes around.
what goes up, must come down.
it's called karma baby."
-Karma (Alicia Keys)

my cousin told me the best karmic story i've ever heard. i always believed that there was a flaw in the karmic cycle, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people all the time. it seems unfair to the good people in the world. however after tonight it renewed my faith in the balance of the world. my cousin (who is an amazing person, world's perfect wife figure, a regular betty crocker as we call her) was with this guy for 8 years practically raised his son. she had a tough life growing up too, her step father was perverted and her mom didn't raise her. she lived in a small old house with very little to survive on. well anyway...the guy that she was with, he left her for a 19 year old thai girl he'd picked up when he was there. soon after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

now it's not that i'm saying people should get cancer, but i mean...this is the first time i've seen karma work in someone's favor. my cousin is amazing and strong i would definately not be able to survive a break up like that. but she's moved on and she's with a cornell graduate now and ready to start a new life with him. the other bastard is riddled with cancer cells and on his way to hell. oh i love the restored faith in the karmic cycle, shows me that bad things do happen to bad people.

my fight against mediocrity

"Sweetheart, you'll find mediocre people
do exceptional things all the time."
-What to Do (O.K. Go)

i guess i never really explained why i chose this name for my blog. i guess it's just that i've always felt that being mediocre sucks because i felt so ordinary. i watch the people around me doing amazing things and i'm constantly fighting this mediocrity. i am a jack of all trades but a master of nothing. mediocre people are overlooked day in and day out because they don't stand out. life is a constant struggle between accepting my mediocrity and fighting it. i wonder which side will win.

armed and dangerous

i went to a shooting range today and vented out all my anger. it was really fun, i think i'm starting to get the hang of it. if you couldn't tell from the target...i hit mostly chest shots. there is always method behind the madness.

"sometimes it happens feelings die

whole years lost in the blink of an eye
we once had it all but events conspired
oh sometimes..."
-Sometimes (Ash)

recipe for disaster

20 sake + beer (sake bombs) at like 18% alcohol, drank within a 3 hour time frame = worst hang over of your life

i had 3 birthday cakes this year.

"reason will not lead to solution
i will end up lost in confusion"
-The Cardigans

happy birthday

to me...

empty words

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promesse

whatever happened to keeping promises? remember when giving someone your word actually meant something? i think trust has been lost in our culture because no one ever means what they say anymore. a promise is nothing but an empty word now. and "your word" means nothing either. to trust is to place faith in someone else. the whole world is filled with flakers who say empty words that don't mean a thing. some people just say things they think others want to hear, say things to make excuses for themselves, say things just to hear themselves talk.

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promessa
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belofte

i just wish there will come a day when no one lies and a promise actually means something. so please stop saying things you don't mean, and saying things you won't do. i know i am also one who breaks their word, but i am trying, i really am. next time i say i am going to come visit you or call you i will, or else i will not say i am going to. i am tired of old friends playing the game of empty conversation. "oh yah, i've been meaning to call you. we need to catch up, let's hang out sometime!" and then you don't call, you don't meet, and nothing means anything. i'm sorry if i ever did that to any of my friends. i hope that one day i can keep all my promises and that everyone can keep theirs.

"i promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
i promise not to mind when you go your way and i go mine
i promise not to lie when i look you straight in the eye
i promise not to try and not to let you down"
-Promise (Eve 6)

sad songs

" i feel so faded, so far gone

that nothing surprises me anymore
i'm tired of singing all the sad songs in my head
but i can find enough of anything to drown out what you said
and sometimes i find i catch my self letting you back in
and i'm so tired of singing all these sad songs in my head"
-Sad Songs (Matt Nathanson)

"been mainlining bad thoughts
been drinking things i wish i'd not
intoxicated with sad songs
'who will forgive you when i'm gone?'"
-Here He Comes (Confessions of a Drunken Marionette)
-The Wallflowers

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In time everything will become just a memory...


had my bday dinner tonight. it was fun, 3rd year at red robin already. can't believe in 4 days i will be 21. *sighs* i hope the dinner in berkeley will be just as entertaining if not more because i'll actually be 21 then and we'll drink till we drop.

" twenty years it's breaking you down

now that you understand there's no one around
take a breath, just take a seat,
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams

heaven forbid you end up alone
and you don't know why
hold on tight wait for tomorrow,
you'll be alright

it's on your face, is it on your mind,
would you care to build a house of your own
how much longer, how long can you wait,
it's like you wanted to go and give yourself away"
-Heaven Forbid (The Fray)

a sea of questions

i've been thinking a lot about the future lately, especially because of the new year. i'm going to be 21 in 7 days and counting. this is a landmark year in my life. i'll be graduating at the end of this year and moving on to do bigger and better things. in what ways can i improve myself? i ask myself this question everyday. on this road of life...where am i going? what path do i take? am i strong enough to handle all the obstacles that come my way? is this really the way to go?

"don't tell me that you cry

in your sleep each night
don't say you spend each hour
wondering what isn't right
do you stare into the mirror
thinking what is it you should change?"
-Don't Tell me You Do (Rockapella)

my mom's been having anxiety over everything lately, she hates driving, she's scared to sleep for a whole day because she thinks she might not wake up. the question here is how do i help her? what can i do to help her with these problems? do i live at home and give up my own dreams for her after college until i can figure out what to do? should i be bound by guilt and responsibility? or be selfish and leave, never looking back.

not only this, but i wonder what the new year has to bring for me. will i fall in love this year? will i get my heart broken? will i break someone's heart? how will my school year go? what should i do my thesis on? what if i can't graduate? will i ever fall in love? what am i going to do with my life?

it swarms and drowns me, this sea of questions. my face filled with worry, my heart filled with pain, and my mind filled with thoughts of inevitable questions that we all ask ourselves as some point in our lives. how is my life going to turn out? what are the consequences of my decisions? is this the right thing to do? i am drowning in the ocean...can someone give me something stable to hold on to?

Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.
-Old Irish Proverb

beauty in symmetry

"they read you cinderella

you hoped it would come true,
that some day your prince charming
will come and rescue you..."

so there are those we are conventionally hot, such as this beautiful korean/caucasian happa that makes me think of prince charming. i like unconventional and thuggish, but we cannot deny that there is always that prince charming figure in our heads. the perfect chisled look and dazzling smile that makes you swoon. daniel phillip henney is his name, a korean actor/model...my prince charming. *swoon*

thuggish & unconventional

" I can tell by the way y'all act

I can tell how you talk ain't 'bout no war
Tell from your chest you ain't got no heart
I can tell how you walkin, got no game
Thangs on us plus thangs in the car - yeah
Bopped and banged and popped and drained and pained and
dropped him maimed him dead, now thank the stainless"
- Carbon 15's, AK's and Mac 11's (Boyz n' Da Hood)

happy new year

a brand new year and a brand new start. i hope it's a great one.

"I don't want to live without reason.

You want to work to spend to show.
You want to talk to smile to feel.
You want to run to thirst to drink.
You want to love to know it's real."
-Without Reason (The Fray)

new years resolutions

1) do well in my last year of college
2) work hard and play hard
3) enjoy everything that comes my way
4) be a better person
5) make a difference in someone's life
6) volunteer
7) change for the better
8) spend less money randomly
9) be a stronger human being (physically and mentally)
10) be healthier in eating and drinking habits
11) start playing guitar again
12) be good to my friends/family
13) embrace life, the good and the bad
14) enjoy the memories (even if they hurt)
15) live for today, but don't die for tomorow

"i don't care if it hurts

i want to have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice
when i'm not around...
i wish i were special"
-Creep (Radiohead)