cigarette vs. human

there's always going to be a matter of understanding...

nobody will fully understand what it is like to KNOW that your father will die. people speculate as to how it will feel, people tell you yeah, don't worry about it...but nobody really knows what it actually feels like unless it happens to you. so today my friends were telling me to understand how hard it is to quit smoking. i know how hard it is to quit smoking. did anyone say it was easy? is there anything easy in this life? yeah sure every day is full of stress and emotional things...but is a cigarette everything you can think about? life is fucking hard. I know this...why? because I'm experiencing it too! I understand how hard life is...I understand how lonely life can be....but seriously...if there are cultural differences that are in the way....let me know. it's not like this is the first time...life ain't fucking easy. that's for sure.

Coffee, tea, and assorted drinks

I must say I really feel like I've come a full circle since when I started here 4 1/2 years ago. I'm back in square one and terribly confused again. I've been shaken up twice and I should have followed my gut feeling way back when I started having doubts. Now it's come so far and I don't know what to do. I really just want to end it quickly but I know it'll be so painful that I won't know what to do with myself. I'm so indecisive. I have a million questions that need to be answered but deep down i know what the right answer is, i just can't bring myself to say it out loud. the other millions questions make me question my own existence and significance in the world. they make me question myself, my beliefs and everything I thought I knew. a million and one questions, not a single answer in sight. sometimes i think i'm better off shooting myself in the foot so that the pain would distract my brain a little bit. (not really...but yeah...)

my mind and heart are distracted by everything else around me. I don't want to go back to the routine because I need more from my life. there has to be more to life than this right? I feel bad for dragging people along while I try to sort myself and my life out.

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...
(rainer maria rilke)

If I follow this advice and just love the questions and not look for the answers everything will work out right?

oh and i have I have ridiculous crushes on impossible people. i think i just like the rejection so that i can legitimately crawl under my bed and die. i think i like the torture...i think it's exciting or something for me in a sick way that i can't even begin to explain. maybe after i get myself out of here i can learn some more about myself and screw myself over less in the future. maybe next time around, i'll find someone that'll feel the same way.

it's as if i was reading my own mind...

Instead, as my twenties had come to a close, that deadline of THIRTY had loomed over me like a death sentence, and I discovered that I did not want to be pregnant. I kept waiting to want to have a baby, but it didn't happen.

"Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit."

And every month when I got my period I would find myself whispering furtively in the bathroom: Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me one more month to live...

There are always two figures in a marriage, after all - two votes, two opinions, two conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations.

The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.

-Eat, Pray, Love

cold feet?

LUKE: It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life. Animals don't mate for life. Well, ducks do, but who the hell cares what ducks do?

LUKE: I mean, people grow and evolve their whole lives. The chances that you're gonna grow and evolve at the same rate as someone else...too slim to take. The minute you say 'I do', you're sticking yourself in a tiny little box for the rest of your life. But hey, at least you had a party first, right?

thoughts and such

i don't really feel like myself lately.

i don't know what's wrong with me...i feel like i'm not all here.

Fresh and New

movies only show you the exciting parts of relationships, the chase, the thrill, the excitement of a brand new relationship. hearts beating fast all the while going through all your firsts. the first time you held hands, the first kiss, the first hug, the first time you're comfortable enough to eat normally, the first cuddle, etc...after those are done the only firsts you'll have are all quite uneventful. it means a lot of course to have gone so far with someone and developed your relationship to this point, but it also means that you'll never get your round of firsts again. eventually everything just becomes comfortable and familiar. of course that's a good thing, but i mean i think that's why people have affairs. i think people just want to feel that excitment again. the feeling of being wanted like the first time they caressed your hair. you want that rush, and you want to feel attractive to someone again. not just because they're already comfortable with you but because they'll look you in the eyes and make you feel like it's your first love again. everything that happens would be new, flirting wouldn't just be foreplay and you'd still get to go out on dates.

2 years....it's the longest relationship i've been in. i love him...i just miss the feeling when my heart beats really fast just because he's in the room. maybe i'm just tired of this city...

windows...

they say that the eyes are the windows to your soul. i wonder if you can see the love in someone's eyes.

if you look...can you see the love in my eyes?

傷痕

傷痕 (林憶蓮)

夜已深 還有什麼人
讓你這樣醒著數傷痕
為何臨睡前會想要留一盞燈
你若不肯說 我就不問

只是你現在不得不承認
愛情有時候是一種沉淪
讓人失望的雖然是戀情本身
但是不要只是因為你是女人

若愛得深會不能平衡
為情困 磨折了靈魂
該愛就愛 該恨的就恨
要為自己保留幾分

女人獨有的天真和溫柔的天分
要留給真愛你的人
不管未來多苦多難
有他陪你完成

雖然愛是種責任 給要給得完整
有時愛 美在無法永恆
愛有多銷魂 就有多傷人
你若勇敢愛了 就要勇敢分

meaningless kiss

I don't know how, I don't know why
I shouldn't of stayed
When I saw you there with another man
But as we slipped away
I thought I heard you say
This wasn't part of the plan

Just a meaningless kiss
It wasn't suppose to end up like this
Just a meaningless kiss
Ohh Ohh
Just a meaningless kiss
We knew it was wrong
But we couldn't resist
Just a meaningless kiss
Til I fell in love
With you

lonely

what is...

radiohead

I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
I wish I was special
so fucking special...

unrequited love

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual."
-Iris (Kate Winslet in The Holiday)

play me a song to set me free

"oh get me away from here i'm dying
play me a song to set me free"

i know it would be irresponsible but i really just want to disappear for a little while. put everything in pause until i was ready to move forward again. it's not that life here is hard, i actually enjoy it quite a bit. i enjoy walking through downtown and watching the old men and old ladies selling their crops. i enjoy the bustle of people trying to bargain and fight for a better deal. i enjoy keeping my ipod on so i can pretend that i actually understand them. but usually when i feel like this...i want to sleep it off. but being here, having a job means i can't really do that. if you feel like shit, you have the morning to get rid of it and then teach kids all day. MF are awful...i don't get out till 10pm and i start at 2pm.

i have a secret...will you leave with me?

He remembers those vanished years. As though looking through a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch. And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct.

Su Li-zhen Chan: Feelings can creep up just like that.
Chow Mo-wan: I thought I was in control.
(In the Mood for Love)

Love is all a matter of timing.
It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late.
If I'd live in another time or place...
...my story might have had a very different ending.
-Chow Mo Wan (2046)

In the old days, if someone had a secret they didn't want to share...
They went up a mountain, found a tree, carved a hole in it, and whispered the secret into the hole. Then they covered it with mud. And leave the secret there forever.
-Chow Mo Wan (In the Mood for Love)

making out

i can't remember the last time when it actually meant something to me.

happy birthday...

to me...

another year alone...whoopie...22 this year...

what will this year bring for me?

andy lau and tony leung

horrible realization

i came to the horrible realization today that i will probably eventually marry an asian man. why that is a horrible realization is because...i am more asian than i think i am. i care more about my heritage than i'd like to show. 2 examples: favorite korean actor - uhm tae woong and favorite chinese actor - tony leung. both of whom are not immediately attractive, they're attractiveness is not immediate. you have to see them on screen. they're not conventionally attractive but if you can see beyond the first impression, you'll realize they're very hard to resist in their own subtle ways.

no need for words