thoughts and such

i don't really feel like myself lately.

i don't know what's wrong with me...i feel like i'm not all here.

Fresh and New

movies only show you the exciting parts of relationships, the chase, the thrill, the excitement of a brand new relationship. hearts beating fast all the while going through all your firsts. the first time you held hands, the first kiss, the first hug, the first time you're comfortable enough to eat normally, the first cuddle, etc...after those are done the only firsts you'll have are all quite uneventful. it means a lot of course to have gone so far with someone and developed your relationship to this point, but it also means that you'll never get your round of firsts again. eventually everything just becomes comfortable and familiar. of course that's a good thing, but i mean i think that's why people have affairs. i think people just want to feel that excitment again. the feeling of being wanted like the first time they caressed your hair. you want that rush, and you want to feel attractive to someone again. not just because they're already comfortable with you but because they'll look you in the eyes and make you feel like it's your first love again. everything that happens would be new, flirting wouldn't just be foreplay and you'd still get to go out on dates.

2 years....it's the longest relationship i've been in. i love him...i just miss the feeling when my heart beats really fast just because he's in the room. maybe i'm just tired of this city...

windows...

they say that the eyes are the windows to your soul. i wonder if you can see the love in someone's eyes.

if you look...can you see the love in my eyes?

傷痕

傷痕 (林憶蓮)

夜已深 還有什麼人
讓你這樣醒著數傷痕
為何臨睡前會想要留一盞燈
你若不肯說 我就不問

只是你現在不得不承認
愛情有時候是一種沉淪
讓人失望的雖然是戀情本身
但是不要只是因為你是女人

若愛得深會不能平衡
為情困 磨折了靈魂
該愛就愛 該恨的就恨
要為自己保留幾分

女人獨有的天真和溫柔的天分
要留給真愛你的人
不管未來多苦多難
有他陪你完成

雖然愛是種責任 給要給得完整
有時愛 美在無法永恆
愛有多銷魂 就有多傷人
你若勇敢愛了 就要勇敢分

meaningless kiss

I don't know how, I don't know why
I shouldn't of stayed
When I saw you there with another man
But as we slipped away
I thought I heard you say
This wasn't part of the plan

Just a meaningless kiss
It wasn't suppose to end up like this
Just a meaningless kiss
Ohh Ohh
Just a meaningless kiss
We knew it was wrong
But we couldn't resist
Just a meaningless kiss
Til I fell in love
With you

lonely

what is...

radiohead

I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
I wish I was special
so fucking special...

unrequited love

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual."
-Iris (Kate Winslet in The Holiday)

play me a song to set me free

"oh get me away from here i'm dying
play me a song to set me free"

i know it would be irresponsible but i really just want to disappear for a little while. put everything in pause until i was ready to move forward again. it's not that life here is hard, i actually enjoy it quite a bit. i enjoy walking through downtown and watching the old men and old ladies selling their crops. i enjoy the bustle of people trying to bargain and fight for a better deal. i enjoy keeping my ipod on so i can pretend that i actually understand them. but usually when i feel like this...i want to sleep it off. but being here, having a job means i can't really do that. if you feel like shit, you have the morning to get rid of it and then teach kids all day. MF are awful...i don't get out till 10pm and i start at 2pm.

i have a secret...will you leave with me?

He remembers those vanished years. As though looking through a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch. And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct.

Su Li-zhen Chan: Feelings can creep up just like that.
Chow Mo-wan: I thought I was in control.
(In the Mood for Love)

Love is all a matter of timing.
It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late.
If I'd live in another time or place...
...my story might have had a very different ending.
-Chow Mo Wan (2046)

In the old days, if someone had a secret they didn't want to share...
They went up a mountain, found a tree, carved a hole in it, and whispered the secret into the hole. Then they covered it with mud. And leave the secret there forever.
-Chow Mo Wan (In the Mood for Love)

making out

i can't remember the last time when it actually meant something to me.

happy birthday...

to me...

another year alone...whoopie...22 this year...

what will this year bring for me?

andy lau and tony leung

horrible realization

i came to the horrible realization today that i will probably eventually marry an asian man. why that is a horrible realization is because...i am more asian than i think i am. i care more about my heritage than i'd like to show. 2 examples: favorite korean actor - uhm tae woong and favorite chinese actor - tony leung. both of whom are not immediately attractive, they're attractiveness is not immediate. you have to see them on screen. they're not conventionally attractive but if you can see beyond the first impression, you'll realize they're very hard to resist in their own subtle ways.

no need for words

ps i love you

You haven't changed.

Stand in the light,
I need to see you,
uncover my eyes.

The tears coming down,
making lines on your face.
One for each year, now
that you've been away.

We were only kids,
we ran like water.
Your dad said,
stay away from my daughter.
The sun was coming down when I said,
can't you just believe?

And if you wait for me,
I'll be the light in the dark if you lose your way.
And if you wait for me,
I'll be your voice when you don't know what to say.
I'll be your shelter,
I'll be your fate.
I'll be forever,
wait for me.

I'll be the last train,
I'll be the last train home.

You were a storm,
it blew us away.
I wouldn't leave you,
but you couldn't stay.

We were only kids,
we ran like water.
Your dad said,
stay away from my daughter.
The sun was coming down when I said,
can't you just believe?

And if you wait for me,
I'll be the light in the dark if you lose your way.
And if you wait for me,
I'll be your voice when you don't know what to say.
I'll be your shelter,
I'll be your fate.
I'll be forever,
wait for me.

I'll be the last train,
I'll be the last train home.
-Last Train Home (Ryan Star)

salon's sexiest man living 2007

Who: Tony Leung
Age: 45
Know him as: Actor

Martin Scorcese's Oscar-winning "The Departed," a remake/rip-off of the nail-biting 2002 Hong Kong thriller "Infernal Affairs," turned off fans of the original for one unavoidable reason -- and it wasn't Jack Nicholson's scenery-chewing. It was the absence of the smoldering Tony Leung in the role of the undercover cop lost in a convoluted game of spy vs. spy. As good as Leo DiCaprio's Boston honk and flinty rage are in the remake, he just can't hold a candle to Leung.

But then, of course he can't. Leung is a professional smolderer; the guy's a virtual human Duraflame. Throughout the past two decades, in "Hard-Boiled" (1992), "Chungking Express" (1994), "Happy Together" (1997), "In the Mood for Love" (2000), "Hero" (2002) and "2046" (2004), he's left only glowing embers in his wake. In this year's "Lust, Caution," he added a sadistic streak we'd never seen from him before that caused us to recoil -- and still come back for more.

How, exactly, does he do it? We think it's the way he will occasionally hold our gaze -- a beat or two too long, with such haunted, hungry eyes we feel slightly bruised afterward, like we've had an actual physical interaction. We sure don't get that from Tom Cruise's maniacal, trademarked grin.

Observers are fond of referring to Leung as "Asia's answer to Clark Gable." But in film's new world order, Leung ranks as a much bigger global star than most of the pretty boys in Hollywood's (or People's) stable these days. And the fact that his roles are being recast for more middling American tastes doesn't just make him the poorer for it -- we're the poorer for it, too.

romantic fatalism

from what i've encountered in life, i've decided that i am fated to be single forever. and cursed to be in a country where couples wear matching outfits, old couples hold hands, and there are less couples than singles. guys hold the stuffed animals they've bought for their girlfriends, and they text each other constantly. it's like everyone is in a fairy tale korean drama, while the foreigner is left feeling dejected. i think the problem i've been having with even making friends is...when koreans approach me i don't understand them and white people will never approach me because they think i'm korean. i like it in seoul because many people speak english, however i wouldn't be able to live there because there are far too many people. the subway system feels like stuffed oven. you have to push your way in and push your way out. i'm thinking about giving taiwan a try next year, i think i might enjoy it more over there because i can actually speak the language. just a thought though. enough self pity...i've accepted my fate.

P.S. i watched "while you were sleeping" again...33rd time now? still a hopeless romantic at heart. i believe in love for others....just not for myself.

"You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful."
-Life is Beautiful (Sixx A.M.)

another year of resolutions that won't be met?

i'll be away from the internet for at least a week so i wanted to write down my resolutions now.

new year's resolutions:

1) be an awesome teacher
2) get the whole django solo down
3) practice a lot of guitar
4) make new friends
5) learn korean
6) figure out what i want to do after i finish my year at the hagwon
7) get the students to love me
8) experience life like i've never done before
9) do something bold
10) try something new
11) write a chapter...