learn to be lonely

" Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion"

blood boils and it feels like the hairs on the back of your neck just start to stand. it doesn't matter what we're doing, but somehow we manage to get into an going to choose a place outside of living in my house sometimes feels like the stage for some horribly scripted drama. everyone'sargument about it. i think i'mseoul for work because i really need to do some soul searching. i may even start compiling a book of short stories. i am still feeling as lost as ever, i started looking at some books on korean today and a fear crept in me. this always happens when the spontaneity goes away. i begin to look rationally at something and i hate that. i like doing what i want when i want to. i like the impulsive decisions i make and i like not knowing what there is to expect from life. it makes everything more exciting. work is beginning to become dull but the money is good so i'm not complaining. i just really can't see my life in 10 years from now. what should i be doing?

"Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own
Learn to be lonely

Life can be lived life can be loved alone"

i feel really lonely sometimes because although i have friends, i feel like we're all too busy to really get involved with each other's lives. we're just...going through the motions of social interaction and we're all too involved with ourselves to really care. i mean even my sister...i hardly see her, the last time i did she was mostly thinking about how to cater to her husband. that's another thing, why have all the people i know vanished because of their significant others? i guess when i get into my own relationship (if that will ever happen) i will disappear too. just because i want them to know how it feels when everything i do has to cater to my significant other rather than the person you are talking to or you are hanging out with. i think this move out to korea will be good for me. i think it's a good idea to get myself into a different culture so i don't have the comforts of the familiar. familiarity can be a very bad thing because slowly my caustic personality will destroy the friendships i try to hold on to so dearly.

my mom says it's because i can do things for myself, and because i am straightforward and sometimes caustic that i will never find a boyfriend. she seems to think that if i become some weak little girl (which i can never look like btw) that it'll be the only way for someone to ever be interested in me. i think the reason why i held on so long to my last tethered relationship was because he didn't care what i wore, how i looked, and if i'm caustic or straightforward. he didn't care that i liked video games or liked buying dvds instead of pretty clothes. but i guess that was all a lie too. that was the real reason he had meant the world to me, and i watched helplessly as it crumbled in front of me.

maybe when i come back from korea i'll feel like i finally figured enough of myself out to be able to look into the mirror and not want to punch the reflection staring dully back at me. it's always important to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to...too bad it's impossible for me to ever love myself.

"so you're gone and I'm haunted
I'll bet you are just fine
did I make it that easy to walk
right in and out of my life?

goodbye my almost lover
goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do"

fob pictures @ cue

we remember

just wanted to say thanks to all the brave men and women that lost their lives on 9/11. we have not forgotten.

quarter life crisis: confessions of a college graduate

so i've been home for...about 3 weeks now. mom drives me insane...says inane things all the time. sometimes i want to tell her to get an education or some life experience, other times...i just want to lock her in the closet. been looking for a job, found some work at some obscure place but it pays ok so i'm not complaining. as for other jobs, i was looking into maybe being a server, bartender, hostess, or even a tutor. but apparently that's not good enough for my mom, she wants me to work in a corporate office. all i hear is her nagging me about being a college graduate and still working part-time jobs. i don't mind, so why does she? it's so annoying...especially when she was like "what if i was your boss and i asked you what your goals are in life? your dreams? aspirations?" i just stopped talking. i don't wanna play her stupid game.

i'm going to korea for a reason, to get away from all of this, this bullshit family that guilts each other into doing stuff. why do i have to stay around and take it? i find nothing but empty promises and way too many expectations. i'm 21, to many that's really young, to others i am old and seemingly responsible. i am a college graduate...hard to choke those words out. i really need to do my soul searching and figure out what i really what to do with my life. i've never really had one passion in life that i really really wanted. everything was other people's expectations of me. they influence my thoughts, and eventually my actions so to get away from it all i am going to teach english to korean students. everyone asks me about whether i'll need to know korean and when i say no, they just look at me like i'm dumb. i'm tired of explaining this to them. i'm teaching them english, not korean!! i don't need to know korean, so FUCK OFF!!! i'm tired of all these inquires and "worries" and "oh i'm gonna come stay with you." get away no one wants you around that's why i'm going there by myself!!!!! i don't want your opinion unless i ask for it!!!!! as you can tell quarter-life crises are not fun...maybe one day i'll finally be able to say i understand myself completely. but until then don't speak unless you're spoken to!

"can you teach my how to live
cause you make me want to die..."
-Tyrant (The Bravery)

my summer with the triad

so for those of you who don't know...i am currently working at my local strip club as a bartender. however i don't get to serve alcoholic drinks. the money pays well so i'm not really complaining. i'm only working 2 days out of the week and i get the day shift. yes...apparently there are people who go to strip clubs from 11-7:30pm. so next time your co-worker says, "i'm going to lunch!" you can wonder whether they're really going to lunch. as for the backroom, i feel like i'm in some triad movie where the boss is this chinese dude who counts the money and calls out all the orders. all the employees are asian, all the strippers...are not. they have a money counter, a large safe and wads of cash. the manager sits behind a desk with his arms folded and awaits his payment from the girls. the girls don't work for the club, they rent "stage space" so the house gets a certain amount per dance, per VIP room, and they get to charge admission. i wouldn't be surprised if the walls opened up to reveal rows of guns if anyone ever tried to rob them. the girls tip us and i have to remember a whole list of stripper names like Destiny and Peaches. all in all, it is probably the shadiest job i've ever held, but then again. it's just another story to tell the kids i will never have. my first job after getting an undergraduate degree from Berkeley is bartending at a strip club.