love to hate...

or hate to love...

haven't you encountered those people in your life that you love to hate, every part of you wants to punch them when the thought of them enters your head but if you were to ever see them, you almost instantaneously change your mind. you hate yourself because you know it's the ones that you'll never get over. the ones you'll never be able to forget. those are the ones you hate to love. i can think of a few on the top of my list right now because of a dream i had last night that made me cringe when i woke up because i knew it would linger in my brain for days until something else replaces it.

i seriously have to stop partying on the weekends. one, i'm poor. two, i have work at 8am. three, my liver is going to be severely damaged. four, my lack of sleep is killing me. five, i have to finish my thesis and start my paper for soc 180. the nights are taking a toll on me. i'm so tired right now because i came home at 3. shoveled some food in my mouth and went to bed. now i'm at work regretting even going last night because seriously...it just starts to eat away at you piece by piece. i'd rather be in the music scene than the club scene i think because at least i can rock out and enjoy the music. it's about the music and not about the guys. the only thing that matters is that feeling of complete immersion, all your worries drowned by the sound of the pounding bass. it is probably good that i go back to la. i might have a police dispatcher job available. that would be cool. yesterday was fun though, screaming songs on karaoke revolution and hanging out with christal, christina, and anna. i just hope she's not mad at me. :-/ i really shouldn't have gone last night. i feel like death now.

bartenders are amazing...i don't think i'm going to be able to keep up.

" Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up...
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I'm suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is wrong with me!

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares"
-Given Up (Linkin Park)

discover

so after 3 years of living in this town, i finally found the places i should have gone to years ago. i went to eat lunch at cafe gratitude for lunch today and i thought that the vegan pizza was amazing. to think that something healthy could actually taste good was a big shock to me. each bite was filled with the different tomatoes they layered on top. there was a whole array of flavor bombarding my taste buds and i found myself tasting my food for the first time in a long time. you know when you try new things and you let the flavor linger in your mouth? well yah that's what i did today, i let each bite cover my taste buds. the nutty pesto added to the tangy sweetness of the medley of cherry tomatoes. then after lunch we walked to the gourmet ghetto on north side and looked at everything they had to offer. although things were pricey, they looked far better than anything you can get on south side. the restaurants were filled with white people drinking wine and eating salads for lunch discussing politics with a nice pinot blanc. we also went to the farmers market where i sampled a variety of tomatoes each with their own flavor, color, size and shape. i bought some cherry tomatoes and tried an awesome white nectarine. families brought their kids, drank fresh apple cider, and it had a very nice community feeling to it.

i guess this is the side of me i hardly get to see because apparently everyone just thinks i'm a raving alcoholic bartender that spends all my weekends hungover. i really just enjoy watching the bartenders make their drinks, i like watching their techniques, and tasting how various bars mix their drinks. it is like research for me...most bartenders are alcoholics anyway. i think i have my wild party side, and a very homey farmer's market side too. i guess what i'm saying is i'm torn between the beauty that lies within the "organic" berkeley and the city life of hollywood.

maybe one day i can go to asia and try a bit of both with sakura viewing in japan. eating bento boxes under the tree with friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors. and then go to seoul, korea to party the nights away while i am still young. maybe one day i'll have cucumber scented bars of soap infused with shea butter waiting for me in my studio apartment.


i've been enjoying living by myself these last couple of weeks. i wash whatever dish i use right after i use it, i take out the trash, i keep the place the way i want it to be without anyone coming in to want it their way. "it's too cold, it's too hot, you ate my food, you left the water running..." etc... bullshit that you have to deal with when you have to live with others. i love just laying in bed hidden under my covers, curled up with a movie playing on my laptop or a nice book to read. sometimes, if it's too loud, you really should turn it down. slow down and enjoy life for whatever it has to offer. like fresh cherry tomatoes.

an unconventional crush

have you ever had a crush on someone that you know you could probably never date? regardless of whether or not they liked you, you just couldn't date them. you'd like to be really good friends with them though because you are unfortunately attracted to them and their magnetic personality. when you're not around them, nothing happens, when you are around them it's like you only really want to talk to them. they fade to the back of your memory until you talk to them again and the spark reignites whatever feelings you had for them before. it's a feeling that you can't explain but distresses you. you could never imagine yourself being intimate with this person but somehow there is attraction there. as much as you try to fight it, you can't really seem to shake the feeling so eventually you give in. after a few times of distress, it starts to bother you. am i really attracted to this person? you want to confirm it by talking to them again, but you can't...because although you are friends you hardly ever see them. this is an unconventional crush. you want others to offer ideas or solutions but all they can say is uhh...due to the utter shock of who it is. i guess the feeling will fade until i see them again...and at that point, whatever will be will be.

"just because i don't say anything
doesn't mean i don't like you.
I open my mouth and I try and i try
But no words came out.

Without 40 ounces of social skills
I'm just an ass in the crack of humanity.
I'm just a huge manatee.
A huge manatee.

And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands, and
All I wanna do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons.

I tried to ask you to your face,
But no words came out.
I put on my hood and walked away.
That doesn't mean I don't like you."
-Nothing Came Out (Moldy Peaches)

strangers on a bus

no i'm not talking about murder...but i know it sounds odd when i say it...but i'm excited that i finally found out my bus driver's name! for 3 years i've taken the cal transit bus with him and we talked about a lot of random stuff like red bull, tae kwon do, earrings, snowboarding, etc... anyway, i finally asked him what his name was because i was like i'm graduating soon and i'll never find out his name so here goes...*drum roll please* his name is sandu. either romanian or indian. yup the suspense is now over my tae kwon do practicing, jack n'coke drinking, self ear piercing, football watching, california touring, bus driver's name has finally been revealed. harhar...yes i am a dork but what can i say?

the move out

for 2 years i called this little room home

now all that is left are memories packed away in little boxes, filled with books i'll never read, and clothes i'll never wear

a collection of junk from what will be known as my "college days"

dream big...

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.