Coffee, tea, and assorted drinks

I must say I really feel like I've come a full circle since when I started here 4 1/2 years ago. I'm back in square one and terribly confused again. I've been shaken up twice and I should have followed my gut feeling way back when I started having doubts. Now it's come so far and I don't know what to do. I really just want to end it quickly but I know it'll be so painful that I won't know what to do with myself. I'm so indecisive. I have a million questions that need to be answered but deep down i know what the right answer is, i just can't bring myself to say it out loud. the other millions questions make me question my own existence and significance in the world. they make me question myself, my beliefs and everything I thought I knew. a million and one questions, not a single answer in sight. sometimes i think i'm better off shooting myself in the foot so that the pain would distract my brain a little bit. (not really...but yeah...)

my mind and heart are distracted by everything else around me. I don't want to go back to the routine because I need more from my life. there has to be more to life than this right? I feel bad for dragging people along while I try to sort myself and my life out.

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...
(rainer maria rilke)

If I follow this advice and just love the questions and not look for the answers everything will work out right?

oh and i have I have ridiculous crushes on impossible people. i think i just like the rejection so that i can legitimately crawl under my bed and die. i think i like the torture...i think it's exciting or something for me in a sick way that i can't even begin to explain. maybe after i get myself out of here i can learn some more about myself and screw myself over less in the future. maybe next time around, i'll find someone that'll feel the same way.

it's as if i was reading my own mind...

Instead, as my twenties had come to a close, that deadline of THIRTY had loomed over me like a death sentence, and I discovered that I did not want to be pregnant. I kept waiting to want to have a baby, but it didn't happen.

"Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit."

And every month when I got my period I would find myself whispering furtively in the bathroom: Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me one more month to live...

There are always two figures in a marriage, after all - two votes, two opinions, two conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations.

The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.

-Eat, Pray, Love

cold feet?

LUKE: It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life. Animals don't mate for life. Well, ducks do, but who the hell cares what ducks do?

LUKE: I mean, people grow and evolve their whole lives. The chances that you're gonna grow and evolve at the same rate as someone else...too slim to take. The minute you say 'I do', you're sticking yourself in a tiny little box for the rest of your life. But hey, at least you had a party first, right?