one day...

i want to be able to say:

i am a poet.
an author
a musician.
an artist
a rock star.
an art enthusiast
a collector.
an experienced bartender
a significant other.
an athlete
a successful individual.
an interesting person
an FBI agent.
an extremely awesome friend
a knowledgeable professor.
an inspiration to someone
a mysterious stranger.
an individual
a guitar hero.
an asset to society
a force to be reckoned with.
an activist
a well-versed student of the world.

黒い涙

"飾りつけないで
このままの私で生きてゆくため
何が必要
自分さえ信じれず
　何を信じたらいいの
答えは近すぎて見えない

黒い涙　流し　叫んでも
知らぬ顔で明日は来て
同じ痛みにぶつかる
そんな日々を続けるなら
遠く　消えてしまいたい
わがままと　わかっても…"

i think the problem is having to look at yourself everyday and not be annoyed at what you see. i mean i'm sure not everyone enjoys seeing themselves but sometimes i just wish i could put my existence one pause. stop my world for a little while, take a breath and enjoy the little things like lying in bed on a cold day. there are days when you can't help but feel lonely. the saddest part is when you're in a crowded room and you can't feel a connection to anyone. when i'm bartending i can pretend i'm your friend and you can pretend you're mine. and for the span of the night you can laugh and by morning it will be like they never existed. it's a lot of fun, but i think after awhile i'll get tired of leading this kind of life. right now in berkeley it is cloudy overhead just like 3 augusts ago when i first came here. last night i was walking home with an empty stomach thinking of all the memories i'd created on these streets. (i mention empty stomach because i was thinking about where to eat like maybe mandarin garden, one of the first places i'd ate at when i was a freshman). then as i neared university ave. i flooded my memory banks with heart stabbing memories of rejection and heart break. i chuckled lightly to myself and walked home.

there are many things in berkeley i will miss like walking through campus and looking over the bay. many people too like my friends, my boss, my bus driver, and the college version of me astonished at the idea of being a berkeley student. i sometimes still don't believe that i actually am going to graduate from this university. i loathe myself sometimes so much that i fail to believe that i can actually do something relatively great. then other times i dream of days when money won't be an issue and i can sail the open sea with a newly purchased yacht. when will i learn to love myself?

"What do I need to do
To be able to live as I am, without dressing myself up?
I can't even believe in myself, so what should I believe in?
The answer is so close that I can’t see it

Even if I cry black tears and scream
Tomorrow will come with an unfamiliar face
And I’ll come up against the same pain
If those days are going to continue
Then I want to go far away
Even though I know it's selfish of me..."