unattainable

"Real love is wanting to protect the person you like whenever

they're near and not wanting anything in return."
-Nobu (NANA)

i think that my idea of a perfect relationship is one that is always there. it is something that you can easily fall back on and it will never fade no matter what happens. i think it is a very bad delusion and very naive of me to believe it. i think what drew me to reading/watching NANA was the unattainably of their relationships. the one that idealized was between Yasu and Nana, they had a close relationship and he was always there for her. it was a love that he ended up giving up his own dreams for, however he sacrificed it for his friend. eventually they both moved on with their lives and he could not be kind to her anymore without her being so dependant on him, so it was like she was drowning in the ocean again. but before that, they were great together and that was what kept me interested. i like ren and nana's love, however to me it seems too conventional and after awhile it became trite. he left her to pursue his own dream and made the choice to sing for Reira. i felt it was the ultimate betrayal to her and the two people by her side were Nobu and Yasu. there are a lot of things that get me sucked in for the same wrong reason. X-Files - Mulder/Scully, CSI:NY - Mac/Stella, Gilmore Girls - Luke/Lorelai, CSI - Grissom/Sara. the relationship that's always there to fall back on. i guess to some extent its the friendship kind of love that i admire. they have this perfect trust and even though they may suffer watching the other one go, they know in their hearts that they are always there. my naive hopeless romantic ways will always get the best of me. i think that's the way i see love, and how it should be...something that is ultimately unattainable.

i guess i just want to feel that sense of security, stability, and safety. and someone to believe in me when i want to pursue my dreams and accept me even if i fail. to help me through my journey as well as let me help them through theirs. what is love anyway?

"No matter what I do, I'll still have the fate of a girl
who just keeps getting hurt, wondering if she can ever be
happy in this pointless, one-man show?"

loneliness

seems that loneliness has got the best of me. is it ok to hurt? is it ok to believe again? this picture reminds me when i was so disappointed that i prayed so long and so hard for my autograph to come and finally, one gloomy day my freshman year of college...my mom said the letter came back. my autograph came after like...3 years? or something ridiculous, but it was one of the greatest moments of my life, next to meeting Rivers Cuomo and eating with him at Shakey's. that was something that made me want to pinch myself because there was no way that it was real. what happened to that hopeful little girl inside of me? why did she die? or does it just come with age?

I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green jello all over my body reading playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

No matter what I do, I'll still have the fate of a girl who just keeps getting hurt, wondering if she can ever be happy in this pointless, one-man show?

stolen optimism

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."
Bernard Edmonds quotes


"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true."
Leon Joseph Cardinal Suenens quotes ( Archbishop of Malines-Brussels 1904-1996)


"The supreme object of life is to live. Few people live. It is true life only to realize one's own perfection, to make one's every dream a reality."
Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)


"A goal is a dream with a deadline."
Napoleon Hill quotes (American author, 1883-1970)

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
James Dean quotes (American motion picture actor, symbol of rebellion, 1931-1955)


"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
Buddha quotes (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

"Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream."
Lao Tzu quotes (Chinese taoist Philosopher, founder of Taoism, wrote "Tao Te Ching" (also "The Book of the Way"). 600 BC-531 BC)


"Excellence can be obtained if you:

...care more than others think is wise;

...risk more than others think is safe;

...dream more than others think is practical;

...expect more than others think is possible."
Author unknown.

confessions of an undergrad

"Don't try to live so wise,

Don't cry, 'cause you're so right

Don't dry, with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end"
-Wind (Akeboshi)

when i am asked the inevitable question of what i am going to do after graduation, i am faced with looks of concern and interest. for those who i am scared to disappoint, i will not tell them that i really don't know what i am going to do, where i am going to work or that i really want to be a bartender. i am a blue collar kind of person with a white collar degree. this summer i'm going to bartending school and after i graduate i am going to find a job at a local bar and start building experience from there. i also am going to find my own place and start saving for my future. i will look for a job in a company as a day job and at night i want to work the night life.

i am not an academic, and i fear to disappoint those who ask me what i want to do and i have nothing productive to tell them. then i become less interesting, and i am like every other screw up who only graduated from high school. however i am graduating from college! i should be doing something great with my life right? that's what i feel like they expect from me, i guess i can only disappoint. my best friend is 10 times better than me now. i am envious of her, she knows what she wants to do with her life and knows the direction she's going in. she has a stable relationship and is making a difference with her job. i work at a bookstore and as a hotel receptionist. i've been a waitress, a customer service rep at the gym, an usher, a desk clerk, and have never been satisfied with anything i do.

i've been in a self destructive stage and i'm finally getting myself out of it, i'm sure i am the last person that anyone ever wants to ask for life advice. i run to forget my problems, why am i so weak willed? i've never been in a stable relationship that i actually want to be in, and i feel like i will never actually get to make a difference because sometimes i just don't care enough. i can't keep my head on straight and i think everyone can see that, now all i am is a disappointment and what can i say to that except that i did it to myself. no matter how much i detox, i will always feel like i can wash any of it away. i can see it in their eyes, and how they have nothing more to say to me because as the rest of the world matures, i am the only one who is left behind.

sara sidle

"I have a problem with authority. I choose men who are emotionally
unavailable. I'm self-destructive. All of the above."
-Sara (CSI: Nesting Dolls)

i remember when i first started watching CSI and hated Sara. then after awhile i realized why i hated her, it was because she reminded me of myself. everything i hated about her i saw in myself...but now i think i'm starting to like her.

quick sand

it's hard when you realize you have no one you can trust. in life you can only depend on yourself, everyone else is just using you as a step to get what they want. i'm sinking hard and fast in a deep pit unable to pick myself up right now. at some point everyone wants to be rescued but you realize you can only save yourself.

cigarette

CSI:NY

"You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all.
You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're...
You're so damn hot."
-OK Go

The new show to watch...CSI:NY because Carmine Giovinazzo is oh so hot. Now if only the rest of the guys in this world would even remotely look this hot then I'd be set.

fast food nation

for those of you who have not seen it, watch it.
for those of you who have, i hope you haven't ate another cow since.

i'm never gonna eat meat ever again under my own volition. Blarrgh!

commit this to memory

i think it's really been awhile since i've reflected back on who i've become. i think it's really scary and i hope that soon enough i'll be able to change that. i've become a monster that i don't even recognize anymore. somebody save me from myself. somebody save the world from me.

"I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal"
-Animal I Have Become (Three Days Grace)

allergies

Another reason to not scratch your eyes even if they itch!

an inspirational title

you spend a certain amount of time around people, you get your heart b r o k e.
treachery, hypocrisy, the promise of love.
look into the mouth of a person and you'll find l i e s wriggling there like maggots waiting to grow wings.
the world has gone mad.
a man could kill from sunup to sunset and still his work would NEVER be done.

happiness

it's amazing isn't it?:

"there are two types of guys in this world, the ones that hold your hand and the ones that fuck you." -Samantha (Sex and the City)

i'm assuming that the ones that make you happy...are the ones that hold your hand.

浪人情歌

나는 그에게 차였어요. this is what i spent my valentines day doing...reading about rape on a plane eating southwest heart shaped chocolate and listening to my ipod shuffle.

"不要再想你, 不要再愛你

讓時間悄悄的飛逝
抹去我倆的回憶
對於你的名字, 從今不會再提起
不再讓悲傷, 將我心佔據
讓它隨風去, 讓它無痕跡
所有快樂悲傷所有過去通通都拋去
心中想的念的盼的望的不會再是你
不願再承受, 要把你忘記
我會擦去我不小心滴下的淚水
還會裝做一切都無所謂
將你和我的愛情全部敲碎
再將它通通趕出我受傷的心扉"

is there hope for the faithless?

i think that having too much spare time on my hands makes me feel like i'm drowning in my own thoughts. i feel lonely and depression begins to creep over me. i want friends outside of my circle but when i look through my phone i realize that there really isn't anyone i would call in a heartbeat. i am no longer angry, i don't think about certain people, i just think about my own life and how fast everything is coming. i let the rain wash over me like a cold shower and let the music drown out all the thoughts. i'd like to be happy again, i'd like to be giddy and mean it when i smile. i want to believe that there is something good in the world for me and that eventually i will find it. i want to have faith in myself, my friends and my religion but each passing day has made it harder to do.

"i wake up it's a bad dream
no one on my side
i was fighting
but i feel too tired
to be fighting
guess i'm not the fighting kind"
-A Bad Dream (Keane)

just hold my hand

i'd like to meet someone who doesn't mind slowing down and just sitting on the swings with me

"slow down everyone
you're moving too fast
frames can't catch you
when you're moving like that."
-Inaudible Melodies (Jack Johnson)

graduation day

so it's my third year at cal and i'm graduating in august. how scary is that? i pushed up my graduation because i realized i'm tired of all the midterms, term papers, finals, and stress that school puts on me. i might be ready for the real world. i'm gonna take 14 units this summer (it's like academic suicide) korean (10 units) and my thesis class (4 units) hopefully i'll be well along with my research to write something substantial before otherwise i will not be graduating.

my plan for after school is:

move back to LA, find a career/job, live at home and save money, then move to new york on my merry little way to being a full blown adult. eeep how scary! but life never turns out the way we plan. i might enjoy my job and stay in LA but still move out because there is NO WAY i want to stay at home. but bright side...my parents are getting me a car! yay! new car for graduating! i really need to just move on with my life and focus on the bigger picture. no more heart ache, no more playing stupid little games with boys. i just want to get out of here with the best education possible and be done with it.

since i have an extra 4 months from the fall then i can use that time and get my bartending license. then i'm gonna find some more little odd end jobs until i find a career. parents are sending me to taiwan to see the grandparents, gonna go play in china, japan, and korea in jan. wheeeee! this is starting to look like it might be worth it. now...who can i round up to go take this trip with me?

cruel world

i swear life is testing me. it is absolute torture i tell you. how long before i break? life keeps pushing my buttons, keeps poking at the sores, pouring salt on my wounds. how long before i break? this is cruel and unusual punishment i tell you! it won't be long before i break.

"you can't hide from the cruel world

there just is no place to run
it's been cruel from the beginning,
it will be cruel when we're done
welcome to the cruel world
hope you find your way
try to enjoy your stay"
-Welcome to the Cruel World (Ben Harper)

different people

"If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?"

-Fight Club

it's really scary how one can fall asleep as someone and wake up compeletely different. now i can finally understand when someone says, i just woke up and i realized i didn't love them anymore. at night people run low on cognitive resources so they are disarmed from all shielding mental processes, it is the time they are thinking the most clearly. however when you wake up in the morning well rested and rebooted you function in a more efficient fashion. everything that happened the night before is forgotten and you feel like a completely different person. what would happen if someone wasn't allowed to sleep? you would be functioning on complete emotion. that doesn't seem at all appealing to me.